Archive for 2011

the days of made up reality, when every people screams conspiracy. when being kind is a crime, and suspicion is common. we follow trend - or actually follow what is an inverse of trend (which is the actual trend). when people scream mainstream to everything common, and think cool to everything they don’t know.
people are exaggeratedly driven by how they want to be seen. sickening.

classic ordinary day

it costs less, it's priceless. ride around the town, singing to the radio, thoughtful conversations. recipe's already good, now add some friends. now that's called awesome.
had this today, made my day. ecstatic happiness.

aku ingin laut. laut yang biru gelap, bukan air pesisir yang toska. laut yang dingin airnya, bukan air pesisir yang menitipkan hangat matahari. laut tanpa riak, bukan air pesisir yang ramai akan buih dan ombak yang berlomba-lomba menyeret pasir. laut dimana kaki tak dapat menjejak, bukan air pesisir yang dasarnya tertebak.
aku ingin tenggelam di laut. ingin mengenalkan setiap jengkal tubuhku pada asin airnya. bukan pesisir, bukan lari manja di pesisir sambil takut basah. aku ingin tenggelam, dalam. aku ingin mengenal laut dan laut ingin mengenal aku. aku mau tenggelam semakin dalam lagi... cuma ingin tahu laut sedalam apa.

kamu pikir aku gila, cari bahaya. tapi pantai terlalu riang, laut lebih tenang.

around the world

around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world.

did he really say it?? KURT COBAIN of our generation? mother of God, Justin Bieber.....

a strangely cool beach with nice shore, i'll die for this beauty.

but there are always so many things to be grateful of, indeed.

quit all the worry and seriously just be happy, how could that not be easy? :) :) :)

i know i have to find courage and put aside all those unpleasant thoughts, but i can't help but pulling away, feeling too scared to try to be back in.
keep, keep pulling away, stressed in loneliness more than ever, but too scared of what could possibly be a rejection.
it's stressful trying to figure out what's in people's mind... they might think i'm hell boring. things change. it's different, i feel miserable. then, i'm pulling away.

to those people who are always the frontrunner

you always tell, work hard, work hard, make the best out of every second spent. you've started running when others were just about to start the engine. you say a stop meant refueling the tank, instead of sparing some leisure time.
for you, i have nothing but admiration; hands down. but watching you from here where i stand, i am literally gasping for air to breathe just to catch you while you run.

out of everyone, you are the one who actually deserve a celebration. just once in a while, give yourself a congratulation.

armando trovaioli - dramma della gelosia : my current musical delicacy.

like a scene of a warm summer day in a european street side café, eating sweet-sour gelato with the dearest and feeling nothing but happy, very very happy.

"once you have eliminated the impossibles, whatever remains, however improbable, shall be the truth."

skype crazy night

/via skype, late night chat with alicia amanda (summarized version)

alicia amanda: ceeeuuu
fathina diyanissa: apa ce
alicia amanda: ***** onlen ce
fathina diyanissa: haha
fathina diyanissa: iya gw tau
fathina diyanissa: cet dong ce
alicia amanda: iya ah gw mo cet ah
fathina diyanissa: ciyeeee
fathina diyanissa: cet apaan?
alicia amanda: dekdekan
alicia amanda: cet apa yakk
fathina diyanissa: hahaha cet aja ce
fathina diyanissa: pura2 spam gitu aja ce
fathina diyanissa: hey, merry christmas! open a special gift from me
alicia amanda: HAHAHAHAHA
alicia amanda: bangsat gw ngakak
alicia amanda:
fathina diyanissa: hahahaha

beberapa menit kemudian... (setelah udah chat ngalor ngidul)

alicia amanda: ceeuuu
alicia amanda: masa kata brenda gw ngasih link video bokep
fathina diyanissa: hah.....
fathina diyanissa: kok bisa ce
fathina diyanissa: makanya lu jangan asal klik2 link spam ih jadi kehack kan akun lu
alicia amanda: gw gatau
alicia amanda: gw gapernah buka video bokep.. apalagi ngirim
fathina diyanissa: lah terus?
alicia amanda: kata brenda tuh video bokep
fathina diyanissa: HAH?
fathina diyanissa: jadi gw yg ngirim link video bokep???
alicia amanda: iya ceu hahahahahahaha
alicia amanda: bangsat emang duh gw ngakak ga brenti2
fathina diyanissa: duh sumpah ce gw asal ketik
fathina diyanissa: gw gatau kenyataan sesungguhnya dari

btw gausah dibuka ya guys, bukan video bokep kok ternyata (ini serius)

I feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood and not making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone and being loved means so much to me. I always make fun of it and stuff, but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

- Celine, Before Sunrise

P(A/O) R T (Y/O)

my way to spend holi-holiday! hell yeah. fffffuuuuu.

you hate me, right? you must be. unless you can come up with a better explanation, i'll have to believe so i guess.

a perfect friend will always be company until dawn

karena setelah pukul dua belas malam, kereta kuda pun akan kembali menjadi labu
dan aku pun tak perlu menjadi palsu
kamu adalah temanku bahkan walaupun yang kupunya cuma labu

aku tidak mengerti kenapa semua orang mengelu-elukan pangeran,
akhir bahagia selamanya tidak terdengar begitu menyenangkan.

we just won't care, right?

mari terjaga semalaman. mari naik kereta, atau menyetir jauh tanpa tujuan. jangan pikirkan kemana kita akan pergi. melamun saja sambil pandangi pohon, pandangi lampu-lampu dari balik kaca jendela. tidak penting kemana kita akan menuju, nikmati saja perjalanannya.
let us be consumed by the silence. jangan bicara. jangan bicara sepatah kata pun.
bantu aku malam ini, jangan bicara apapun, duduk saja di sampingku. kamu, duniamu yang berbeda denganku. penampilanmu yang berbeda denganku. pikiranmu yang berbeda denganku. bukankah kita begitu tidak cocok duduk bersampingan?
bantu aku, jangan bicara apapun. sebab keheningan adalah satu-satunya kesamaan di antara kita. aku tidak mau tahu apa yang kamu pikirkan. aku menikmati keheningan ini, serta tatapan yang tidak pernah ditujukan satu sama lain. tanpa saling memandangi kita tidak akan peduli dengan perbedaan ini. dan hening, satu-satunya hal yang dapat kita bagi. satu-satunya mutual antara kamu dan aku. bahwa kita bisa sama-sama diam. hening.
mari terjaga semalaman, mari melihat matahari terbit bersama-sama. bukankah memandang langit tertentang berangsur terang itu menyenangkan?


how happy i am to be wide awake, inside out

"ce, tar selama liburan pas kita ngerjain porto, lo bakal selalu ada di bandung buat gw kan?? ya kan?? gw mau sering-sering nginep di rumah lo ngerjain bareng ya ce gapapa ya... gw jadi anak angkatnya bu jua ya ce...."

- Aninditya Soesilo, 19, Desain Interior

yessss bntr lagi uas beres, mari kita porto sambil get a life. kata siapa ga bisa get a life? kata siapa, hm hm?

just curious

if any of you just happened to know me yesterday (without any idea of how i am the moment you actually first know me), and shared a conversation
would you care to know me better? would you care to understand me deeper?
would you be curious about me? or will the first encounter be as well the last for both of us?
never mind, just curious.

get a grip and hold on

work things out, and unless you have genies in the bottle, don't expect them to change overnight.
for some reasons, things look better in a slow motion.

lagu lama kesukaan
sudah lama tidak dengar
tapi setiap terputar selalu masih hapal


it's like a two sided coin.
you can outsmart the question 'why', and beating the question shows your wisdom. it simply takes you to the next level.
but the question can also get the better of you. that's when the 'why' becomes a mere whine and it prevents you from moving forward.

skin can never forget the pain of the bruise that colors them a hangdog green
land can never forget the cold of the rain they soak and quiver in
coal can never forget the heat of the fire that burns them wrath and smoking
greens can never forget the kiss of the sun that keeps them gorged and growing
ones can never forget the bit of the heaps that entangles them in a wistful longing

that's all, folks

was it shiver down your spine, or was it just the weather? were you soaking in the rain or was it you weeping tears in disguise? why is it that cold always means blue, and suddenly those poignant scenes seem so true.
and all that's left was just us, watching and laughing at ourselves on the stage, thus drawing the curtain to close and begin the cast for the next year's stage.

wave goodbye at interlagos

that was the end of the somewhat red-bull-dominated 2011 season!
the season is, yeah, fantastic, despite all the boring dominance of red bull and sebastian vettel. but no one can blame them from being superior - the cars were fantastic from the very beginning of the season and the drivers, especially vettel, were almost flawless on saturdays and sundays. they simply just ran away from the very first chequered flag of the season, leaving the rest of the pack struggling behind them. seeing the constant pace of races, by half of the season it was no question that red bull and vettel were gonna clinch both titles, it was just rather of when.
the early wins of this season made the season rather dull, because with the early reveal of the champions, there's no longer those nailbiting moments of racing for the points - that turned the last grand prix the 'season encore' instead of 'season finale'. the feel of watching it was completely different from other finales - take 2010 or 2007 in instance.

so, as the season ends, the battle has moved from the circuits to the factories. the 2012 battle begins as the constructors compete to design the best car and provide best engines, given some changes of regulation. we would like to see more competitive cars that hopefully will lead to a competitive season, instead of an over-dominated season.
see you in march, F1!

it's funny seeing us people, how we actually go through same problems, same cases, only different version, different casts. how we're desperately trying to tell ourselves: you've been here before. not easy, but don't take it too much. you'll handle it, you'll get over it.
how we're desperately repeating it over and over in our mind like a spell, but still, we're foolishly overwhelmed, going head over heels just like the first time.


jangan lupa, tujuan terpenting kita dalam menjalani hidup. selain tujuan-tujuan yang telah kita susun dan kita rancang untuk masa depan kita, ada tujuan lain. tujuan jangka panjang, yang jauh lebih panjang bahkan dari tujuan seumur hidup kita. dimana tujuan-tujuan hidup kita yang lain sudah sepatutnya kita rancang untuk membekali diri agar kita dapat lebih siap meraih tujuan utama tersebut.

tujuannya ada setelah kematian.

mengenai kehidupan setelah kematian sendiri, masih agak bias konsepnya bagi saya. saya percaya bahwa ia ada, namun mungkin konsep yang ada di pikiran saya agak berbeda dari konsep yang selalu didoktrinkan kepada kita sejak kecil.
kehidupan setelah kematian mungkin rahasia yang sangat besar yang saking besarnya, konsep mengenainya juga sangat sulit diterima akal sehat. karena itu, pendekatan kita menuju kehidupan tersebut pada akhirnya terpecah belah. pendekatan menuju garis finish itu pun akhirnya ditempuh dengan jalur yang berbeda-beda, jalan yang berbeda-beda.

namun satu hal yang saya yakini dengan amat sangat, motivasi utama saya untuk menjalani hidup dengan sepantasnya dan dengan sebaik yang saya bisa adalah karena saya percaya akan kehidupan setelah kematian. sebuah motivasi untuk hidup dengan mengendalikan dan bukannya dikendalikan oleh hawa nafsu, menurut saya berasal dari tujuan ini. dan pada akhirnya, bahwa kita memiliki tujuan untuk mencapai kehidupan setelah kematian sebaik mungkin adalah motivasi yang membedakan kita dengan makhluk hidup lainnya, bukan?

dan hampir setiap manusia, dengan jalannya masing-masing, hidup dengan visi yang sama: kehidupan setelah kematian. dengan jalannya masing-masing, dengan pendekatannya masing-masing, kita semua dapat saling membatasi diri dan dapat hidup bersama di dunia.

hidup tidak berhenti dengan kematian. sadar atau tidak, hal inilah yang seharusnya mendasari setiap hal yang kita lakukan di dunia.
sebaiknya sih sadar.

a laid back warm afternoon, reading a book, with friend's chants as the SFX.
a typical moment you would be happy to put on repeat.

monthly to-dos

1. read at least 3 books, either fiction or non-fiction, among them at least 1 english book
2. watch at least a movie (since i'm not a movie-goer hahaha)
3. write something meaningful, either a journal or a review or whatever
4. at least a week of playing any musical instrument (just to make sure i don't forget how to play it haha)
5. do something spontaneous and break the routines

upon dealing with a certain problem, try to figure it out using this approach:

in five years, will it still matter?

i believe we will see many 'no's answering this question. i know it's difficult (and i mean it i really know i'm not just bluffing) but if the answer is a no then just try to put aside the problem and not to give too much concern to it... just a waste of time you see. in five years you will laugh at yourself at how foolish you are, to fuss over such a matter.

the most helpless moment

is that moment when someone very dear to you is slowly, gradually drifting apart from you
and you can do nothing but helplessly stand on your very own feet, staring at his/her back moving away from you, become smaller and smaller and finally he/she is outside your reach
you helplessly stare at his/her back. crossing your finger to hopefully see him/her just turn around to give the last gaze, but even just one more gaze is apparently a far cry from reality.
and you'll stand, alone, and finally you'll continue to walk on your path, knowing that your very dear companion is not anymore by your side.

i wish i could put these on repeat

meet anoy, hilma, nicong, farras, tarno, gerry and prizqy, just some of my awesome college friends

this wasn't a fresh after-event post anyway, as our awesome trip actually took place during the college holiday, mid-July to be precise. yeah, those days when sun was always shining bright - sometimes like burning hot! - and days were spent waking up pretty late, lying lazy on the bed, going out the whole night and racing the dawn on way home.
it was months ago, but memories arose as my friend just uploaded the album on facebook recently.
i would absolutely always recall this more or less a week trip to jogja as one of my greatest holiday ever, regardless of, yeah, some sort of bits following which i don't really want to talk about hehe. but despite all that, that july in jogja was inevitably a great one to reminisce.
i know with all those busy college schedule and stuffs, it's probably hard to find much time to spare to repeat such a trip like this one. but we were making plans, remember? i really look forward to another trip with you guys. don't drop the promise!
thanks guys.

my itunes artist of the night: camera obscura

yeah tonight i hit the repeat button and repeat some particular songs, which i rarely do. and tonight i am completely immersed with the mood and ambience their songs create; well, some personal things play big role but you still get the idea, right. yeah, the long-time-no-hear artist is back around, dude.

well, it supposed to be plural

if you were season you would be in bloom
i wish i had good reason to see you soon
no need to convince me that you were a catch
i bought my ticket and so at last

who was it that said love conquers all?
oh he was a fool cause it doesn't add up
should i believe you told a lie
on the way to my heart and the way back?

are my eyes the coldest blue?
you said once this was true
if it is i don't know what i'll do
cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you

was i quite bad that nothing could never challenged anyone
or was i a lazy lazy snake
do you want me to be a gentle diplomat?
oh, you can beg and you can plead

are my eyes the coldest blue?
you said once this was true
if it is i don't know what i'll do
cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you

cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you...

you told a lie - camera obscura


i am truly fascinated by how a book/movie/biography/documentary/whatsoever tells something from a way you've probably never imagined before. how it does tell a life of someone who's seemingly so out of your circle-of-life, or captures something from an angle you have never tried before. it gives you something really new, and better yet, make you put yourself in those brand-new shoes. uh-mazing.

various stories have been written, various movies have been filmed, all capturing lives of many kinds of people. it could be about someone who really resembles you - whose styles are pretty much close to yours, whose story seemingly portrays your real one, whose way of thinking is just like it comes out from your brain. and yes, your life story is actually that interesting that people will actually pay to buy a book or watch a movie with the story just like yours!

or else, it could be about someone you'll probably just pass when you bump into him/her. like those nerds who likes to "hang out"in the library, or those college friends who simply just rush their way home after the class ends, or those groups of naughty guys you'll probably try to avoid and, when going pass them, you can't help but think how they have wasted their lives, or the girl who cuts your hair in the salon, or maybe the daughter of the canteen-woman who likes to give you your second helping. they may seem to be someone you'll ignorantly pass on without giving any second thought about them. they're like the "unspecial" ones who's just there around to merry the world. have it ever crossed your mind what kind of lives they actually have?

if you're currently reading a novel and/or a movie, just think that the story could belong to the ones you previously thought as those "unspecials". yes, that girl who always rush home after class ends, she actually has to look after her two little siblings after her father ran away from home and her mother passed away - yeah those dramatic stories that could always make up a great novel/movie. and, see that woman who walks hurriedly in front of you, a phone in one hand while the other carries piles of stuffs? she could be in the middle of a fight-on-the-phone with her boyfriend who accused her for two-timing him with a best friend - yeah that metropop-ish kind of story. keep imagining, and tadaaaam, you're gonna see those dramatic lives around you. so you're not the only one who has a show, eh?

i am so startled when i actually get to realize this - when i see random people on the street i just can't help but imagining what kind of story he/she is struggling through in her life.... what i see is so mind blowing.

and this is the ability of every authors, scriptwriters, and journalists we will always envy: they put all those "unspecials" under the spotlight, makes us awe to things that we will probably never put any attention to in real life.

to one of the three guys i love the most in my life, i miss you. i miss seeing you. everybody too. we miss you so much.

another talk of perfection

if you're looking for the perfect, then you're gonna spend your life just keep looking and looking. keep giving up one thing to another, that at the time seems to be the better. giving up this and going on that, and repeat and repeat and repeat. it might seem right, but in the process you simply break many hearts. those who have given you so much, but you left them merely because a little bit here and a little bit there.

does it worth it?

if you're looking for the perfect, then good luck in that never-ending journey. you thought you were going a straight line but what you were doing is actually just running in circles. you thought you move forward but the road leads you back to the start. and you are totally unaware about it - all you know is you always find the better but it's only better prior to the previous, you'll never really know for sure.

does it worth it?

i hope at a point you'll gonna realize how much you have missed and how much you have wasted in your attempt of finding the perfect - the one you'll never be able to figure out unless you cope with the imperfects and define your own perfection: the beauty of loving the imperfection.

kalau orang itu mencariku tolong bilang padanya aku tidak ingin bertemu tapi ya, aku rindu.

pro. mosi.

newest album in my itunes:

the most relaxing classical album in the world... ever!

(oke, ini album kompilasi sebenernya)
adem banget rasanya denger album ini...... langsung berasa jadi cewek klasik gitu (padahal pencitraan), seriously if you have a thing for classics, go download this album and enjoy! really, i mean it: ENJOY!

gara-gara bikin post barusan, jadi kelewat nonton HIMYM di star world!!
(misuh2 sambil nyombong terselubung di rumah ada tv kabel, haha)

jangan dibaca pasti bosen

oke saya tau, mungkin udah terlambat sekitar satu tahun atau satu semester buat saya ngepost ini, tapi yah... the thought just came up lately, hehe.
sekedar cerita, saya mungkin salah satu orang yang mengalami transisi yang cukup drastis dari secondary school life ke college life. walaupun orang-orang bilang institusi dimana saya berkuliah sekarang itu notabene lingkungannya sama dengan sekolah asal saya, secara spesifik di major kuliah saya, saya merasa lingkungan saya sangat berubah. drastissssss with many s to emphasize the meaning of the word. hehehehe.
saya bisa akui (dengan sedikit narsis) bahwa lingkungan asal sekolah saya, (dan mungkin asal sekolah kamu juga, my common friend ;p) memang lingkungan yang cukup highly qualified ya. hehe. requirements untuk masuk ke sekolah saya itu lumayan tinggi, peminatnya juga banyak, so there goes the high competition in admission of the school. tentu saja dengan persaingan demikian, only the best can qualify.
hasilnya? hampir setiap kegiatan yang diselenggarakan sangat well-structured. organisasi-organisasi dan ekstra kurikuler yang ada semuanya punya sistem yang jelas. saya cukup akrab dengan kata-kata seperti LPJ, rapat, program kerja, visi misi, dsb dsb dsb yah pokonya yang gitu-gitulah. orang-orangnya juga sama. walaupun ngaret, tendensi ketepatan waktunya masih mendinglah. sengaret-ngaretnya, ga mungkin sejam dua jam gitu.
sementara lingkungan tempat saya belajar sekarang (yap secara sempit, tepatnya di daerah tenggara kampus saya, hehe) sangat, sangat, sangat jauh dari kata-kata itu.
semua kegiatan yang ada di lingkungan saya jauh dari kata struktural. semuanya serba spontan. secara drastis pola pikir dalam lingkungan berkegiatan berganti, yang mulanya 'nanti gimana' jadi 'gimana nanti'. ngerti kan. pola kerja yang ada sekarang gak sistematis. yah wajar sih, orang-orang yang ada di dalamnya aja emang pada dasarnya gak bisa bekerja secara sistemik. tidak nyaman dengan sistem, tidak nyaman dengan struktur. mungkin buat orang-orang yang terbiasa dengan organisasi dengan segala macam pola kerjanya yang sangat tersusun bakalan gak nyaman banget ngeliat situasi ini. kerja memang punya goal, tapi gak ada TOR. suka-suka mau gimana juga, yang penting beres.
sistem kerja terstruktur yang digembleng selama satu tahun pertama ada di sini langsung dilupain begitu masa orientasi beres. karena tipe-tipe orangnya ga bisa menginisiasi forum ataupun berada dalam forum, gimana mau bikin forum kondusif buat ngestrukturin rencana kerja sebelum mulai? buat kami sekarang, goal ada, satu orang turun gawe, yang lain juga pasti ikut kok lama-lama. gitu cara menginisiasi kerja.
saya sempet gak nyaman banget sama sistem kerja kayak gini. tapi, ternyata toh jalan-jalan aja. pastinya lebih serabutan daripada dulu, lebih kacau, lebih aneh. tapi fun. buat kami kerja adalah maen bareng. berkarya bareng. ga perlu sistem, ga perlu struktur. pokonya bareng turun, kita bikin sesuatu bareng-bareng. pada kenyataannya orang-orang yang ikut kerja bareng, niatnya bukan kerja. niatnya cuma pengen maen bareng. kalo ternyata maen barengnya sambil kerja, yaudah ayo kerja.
emang dampak buruknya, makin ke sini saya makin susah menyituasikan diri dalam suatu lingkungan kerja yang sangat terstruktur. bawaannya bosen, suntuk. gak ada unsur 'play'-nya. dalam lingkungan yang terstruktur, terlihat jelas switch antara 'playing-mode' sama 'serius-mode'. hal itu yang gak ada dalam lingkungan saya sekarang.

saya bukan dalam kapasitas untuk menyatakan lingkungan satu lebih baik dari yang lain. yang pengen saya tekankan sebenernya adalah kesulitan saya sekarang untuk tetap bisa menempatkan diri pada kedua lingkungan itu. terlalu kontras. semakin nyaman saya dengan satu sistem kerja, semakin saya tidak bisa menempatkan diri pada sistem kerja lainnya.

problems should be seen as a challenge, so the challenge is... bagaimana saya dapat secara seimbang menempatkan diri pada kedua lingkungan tersebut?
yang pasti adalah tidak menciptakan zona nyaman di satu lingkungan tertentu.
semakin sosial seseorang di suatu lingkungan, semakin antisosial orang tersebut di lingkungan lainnya.

saya adalah calon desainer. wilayah desain adalah elaborasi dari suatu sistem kerja yang terstruktur dan wilayah kreativitas yang bebas dan tanpa batasan.
so i'll have to stand on both lines, i guess.


so everyone agrees that lip-service, despite the temporary relief it creates, actually just makes another problem.
what's really good with hook-ups? trying to comfort yourself by keep believing things that are actually not real? come on, step on the ground.
maybe people would love to hear comforting words, but they don't really need it. so dear everyone, please be mature and try to tell the truth instead of those delicate lies. and on the other party, take what you need to take, not what you want to take.

you know it, lip-service? for these days it's already old-fashioned, dear. not at all anything close to being thoughtful.

current eargasm(s)

moon river - audrey hepburn
moon river - henry mancini
moon river - The APM Orchestra

what i love is how my mind is always idling to this song - it's skipping all the problems, all matters. everything is slow, everything is alright.
delicate, comforting, relaxing, this song is.

perfection is just perception.

i don't believe the famous saying 'there's no such thing as perfection'. i will confidently oppose to this words. there is such thing as perfection, i believe.

what if i say, bring me a nice chilly afternoon, a mild rain, a nice book to read and a cup of warm, not-too-sweet earl grey tea served on a coffee table and a seat facing the window, and i would just get a perfection. you may oppose to this, saying 'you missed a person beside you with whom you could talk about everything', or 'no, a warmer afternoon with a bright sky will do better'. well then that would be your perfection. you may disagree to however i may describe perfection as, but you cannot change my mind about that being perfect in my eyes.
as you read my words you may have got the idea of how things can be perfect however imperfect it can be. a morning can be perfect even with wrinkles on your bed sheet. an afternoon can be perfect even with sweats on your skin. an evening can be perfect even slight shivers on your body. those imperfections just add up to the perfection. they complete the whole idea of perfection.
so, what is perfection? that, my friends, is really up to you. what you want to see as a perfection, is a perfection. once you accept all the things people say as imperfections, you'll have that perfection, stands after your very eyes. and that perfection is for you alone, that very astonishing and fascinating beauty is just for you alone, as you're the only one who choose to see the beauty. you let yourself see the beauty.

i always say it's okay, assuming in mind that it was an act of being mature. anyway that is the always-been most comfortable way of solving a problem. stepping back off and letting it come to a conclusion which is nothing but all right. because i said so. letting things go without leaving worries in other party's concerns, that was always what i have in mind. there goes the, 'it's okay, i am all right, case closed'. smile was always the side-dish, the compromising act that always supported the words.
i was not wrong, anyway. when you keep telling lies, they will slowly become the truth. and truth is, it's okay, i am all right, case closed.


daripada cowo yang jago olahraga, gue sih lebih suka cowo yang pinter main kata-kata, pinter nulis tentang pikirannya gitu

- Adinda Januardani, 19, Desain Interior.

this is inarguably true. just can't agree more. so what if he sucks at sports, if he can do well with words. so what if he's not flirty, if his words are just witty. see?
smart boys who know well how to show his thoughtfulness without trying to brag, that's the real nice catch, buddy.
well this is just a personal preference anyway, haha.

(y) (y) (y)

despite losing his pole position advantage and finished in third place with button leading, vettel actually secured this year's title and became the youngest ever back-to-back driver championship winner.
woohoo so stoked! :))

"Tapi coba kau pikirkan baik-baik. Kondisi semua orang sama saja. Sama seperti ketika kita naik pesawat rusak. Tentu saja di situ ada orang yang bernasib baik dan bernasib buruk. Ada yang tangguh, ada juga yang lemah; ada yang kaya, ada pula  yang miskin. Hanya saja, tidak ada orang yang memiliki kekuatan yang jauh lebih besar daripada orang lain. Semua orang sama. Orang yang memiliki sesuatu selalu khawatir, jangan-jangan apa yang dia miliki sekarang akan hilang, sedangkan orang yang tidak memiliki apa-apa selalu cemas, jangan-jangan selamanya aku akan tetap menjadi orang yang tidak punya apa-apa. Semua orang sama! Karena itu, manusia yang menyadari hal itu lebih cepat harus berusaha menjadi sedikit lebih tangguh. Sekedar pura-pura pun tidak apa-apa. Betul kan? Dimana pun tidak akan ada manusia yang tangguh. Yang ada hanya manusia yang pura-pura tangguh"
Haruki Murakami,  Dengarlah Nyanyian Angin

those people you always adore for being so strong and tough - they actually suffer, hurt, and feel the exact same agony with others. they are just a better actress.

two phlegmatics going out for a meal

1: (dalam hati) steak kayanya enak nih
2: (dalam hati) steak kayanya enak nih

1: mau makan apa?
2: .....
2: terserah deh
1: .....
1: apa ya enaknya?
2: kamu lagi pengen makan apa?
1: .....
1: aku sih bebas

1: .....
2: .....

1: sebut tempat dong...
2: .....
2: duh gatau ga kepikiran, aku ngikut kamu aja deh
1: aku juga gatau nih

1: makan apa ya... kamu beneran ga lagi pengen sesuatu?
2: ..... gatau, ga kepikiran, gimana kamu aja, apa aja boleh
1: (dalam hati) yaudah cari aman aja deh
1: tempat biasa aja gimana?

1: (dalam hati) duh sebenernya bosen
2: (dalam hati) duh sebenernya bosen

2: .....
2: ya, boleh deh

1: yaudah kita kesitu ya
2: iya

random talk nih

gue nyesel sering underestimate diri gue sendiri.
random talk nih. hari ini gue iseng buka-buka file writings gue. dan di antaranya, ada salah satu essay yang gue bikin buat seleksi salah satu program international conference gitu.
pada akhirnya essay itu cuma berakhir di folder writings gue. tanpa gue berani kirimin. at that time, gue bener-bener ngerasa ga pede dengan essay gue karena gue emang ga terlalu nguasain topiknya (waktu itu essaynya gue bikin dengan bantuan informasi seadanya yang gue dapet dari google plus bacotan sok asik). emang sih gue cukup nyari artikel-artikel berhubungan dan gue udah cukup banyak googling, tapi emang concern gue kurang di situ sebenernya. gue takut kalo akhirnya gue berhasil keseleksi dan harus ngepresentasiin artikel gue, gue bakal keserang abis-abisan karena pengetahuan gue emang ga terlalu banyak di situ.
plus, gue tahu beberapa temen yang juga ikut apply ke seleksi tersebut yang gue anggap jauh, jauh, jauh lebih capable dari gue. and there goes the crisis of confidence. yang akhirnya membuat gue batal apply ke program tersebut.

beberapa bulan setelahnya (which is just now), gue buka lagi essay itu. and gue bener-bener nyesel karena setelah gue baca lagi, essay itu ga jelek-jelek amat. cukup oke malah menurut gue. i was not that bad. and i might have had the chance if only i have had more confidence in myself.
what's so bad in trying, toh kalo gagal juga ga rugi.

to please or to nurture

sama saja seperti waktu SMA dulu, waktu ibu suka menghukum saya tidak boleh bawa kendaraan kalau saya pulang malam terus. hukumannya sangat tidak menyenangkan, tetapi itu demi kebaikan saya.
dan banyak hal-hal lainnya yang semacam itu. tidak menyenangkan, tetapi baik.
sayangnya, kita manusia, lebih menghargai dan mengapresiasi hal yang menyenangkan daripada hal yang baik.

dini hari di awal bulan oktober, bolehkah saya untuk beberapa jam berharga ini saja menyerah pada pikiran-pikiran emosional yang untuk selamanya akan selalu ditolak mentah-mentah oleh logika saya?
satu dini hari ini saja saya akan fluktuatif, emosional, kekanak-kanakan, saya akan malu habis-habisan dengan diri saya sendiri.

hello october,

never been notable, never been unforgettable, october is.
never been euphoric, never been tragic, october is.
all i remember about this month is just how it is a little bit colder
and how rain falls a little bit more often than it does in the previous so-likely-always-sunny months.

so that's how it is for me, october.
it is just a change of the weather.
nothing much more to relate to the month.

why won't you leave more things to remember for me, dear october?
leave me something worth remembering this year, would you?


rasanya seperti asma di ruangan lembap.
aku menarik napas, tak mendapat apa yang kumau,
lalu putus asa, namun insting menginginkan hidup
membuatku, terengah dan termegap-megap, tetap menarik napas,
menghirup, sebanyak mungkin dari hidung dan mulutku
kendati tak banyak yang bisa kudapat,
dan setiap tarikan, setiap tarikan napas berikutnya
semakin menyiksa.
mataku buram namun semakin jelas terlihat,
di tengah usaha yang semakin lelah untuk mencari udara,
harapan yang semakin menipis, perlahan hilang.

menyakitkan, pikirku, lebih baik mati saja.

namun nyatanya tak bernapas pun lebih menyakitkan,
sambil menertawakan diri sendiri akan ironi ini aku pun kembali mencoba menarik napas lagi.

on my way to happiness #1

redecorating my room :>
so now i have a totally new room just like what i want, spacious room with the bed around the corner. perrrrrfect!

dan hari ini akhirnya 'hadiah' yang selama setengah tahun lebih ini cuma digulung rapi dan ditaro di pojok kamar akhirnya gue tempel di dinding deket kasur loh, and i just realized it is really, really big!! it was my 18 y.o. gift, and it turns out becoming a very nice wall-decoration hahahaha :D dan gue juga akhirnya ngegantung tiga kaos yang jadi hadiah dua tahun lalu (hadiah 17 taun) di dinding juga. sambil gue pasang, gue liat-liat ulang dan tiba-tiba this very happy feeling hits me, i feel that my life is blessed. i am so blessed God, thank you, sorry if i complained much all these times.

dan yang lebih bikin gue seneng, melihat semua barang-barang ini terpajang di dinding kamar gue, it reminds me of old times, it makes me reminisce all the past times..... but in a good way. in a very good way. i miss it in a good way, i don't feel any regret at all but it still remains as one of the greatest part of my life.

which makes me feel confident that i will get over this another thing just the same.


apa aja boleh

saat kita tidak nyaman dengan suatu sistem, namun keinginan untuk merubah/memperbaiki sistem tersebut terbentur dengan kesadaran atas posisi kita sendiri dalam sistem tersebut. dapat dikatakan bahwa posisi kita dalam sistem tersebut baru sebatas orang-orang di lingkar luar, yang tidak memiliki kapasitas dan kapabilitas untuk membuat keputusan atau merubah keputusan dalam sistem tersebut. bukan karena ingin mengambil sikap apatis, namun memang belum merasa pantas. sebab untuk dapat mengkritik, kita harus mengerti. dan saya rasa, kita memang harus mendalami dulu, harus bergerak ke lingkar dalam dulu sebelum dapat mengkritisi. sebab bisa saja ada pertimbangan-pertimbangan yang terlewatkan, yang tidak terlihat dari posisi saat ini. untuk saat ini, tahan saja segala keberatan yang ada di kepala dan terimalah sistem yang ada. take it or leave it.

just so you know friends

if you are a friend of mine and you happen to follow both my twitter and my blog, you'll probably realize that i have this particular style of writing and expressing thoughts. you know, i'm not the straight out and outspoken one - upon expressing my feelings and thoughts toward something, i usually write it down in a summarized-thought style. i rarely write in a narrative as if i was a story-teller. that's not my preference in writing - i just find it more comfortable to write it more like a summary of my thoughts, feelings, or personal opinions. well people often mistake my style of tweeting/blogging as galau. you know, like tweeting/posting something unclear or #nomention hahaha. well, on first thought it may look like that, and in some particular tweets/posts yeah it's really some galau expression haha but i'm not that desperate you see. i'm not the type of person who's constantly in galau state of mind and always keen to share and expose my galauness to everyone. that's just my preference of writing. i do apologize if it seems like i am galau all the time. i am really not. not all those #nomention tweets/posts are galau. i'm sorry if it does look like so.

what's perfect for the beginning of the rainy season

here's a sneak peek;
a coffee table shared with good friends around a book corner, sights out of the window, a cup of hot cinnamon tea and peanut chocolate toast, and a long, long talk which includes some plans of kind-of-metropop-ish future life, those not-so-likely physical concerns, and some light social issues. make it perfect with your laid-back mind, leaving those worries behind.

that, my friend, is called getting-a-life. and yeah, that's already enough.

there's two possibilities of regrets:

1. regrets of not having enough consideration before taking a decision
2. regrets of having too much consideration and not taking chances

it's about either being too hurry or being too draggy,
or about not being patient enough or hesitating too much for a 'yes',
but that's called mistakes, and however painful it may be, there's always a lesson to take.

it's not wrong to make mistakes.


what's with the what?
what's with the what's with the what?
what's with the what's with the what's with the what?
and so on, never ending question circling around attempting to find the answer, but none can be found.

something you'll probably pass

yeah, more post with #nomention style of writing, hahahahaha.
just tried to defragment things, so that those which are no longer important can be abandoned pretty soon.
however, i'd like to review it not with my compulsive feeling, but i'd try to recall it with my good senses and feelings.

so, dear you,
i would like to send my greatest gratitude for your very kind consideration
for whatever it is that may have come in your mind, that may have led you to this very decision
and how you took a very careful step not to break me too much
(though, i should say, you were somehow wrong, but still i'd appreciate your kind intention)

so, dear you,
i would like to state this, just so you know
i may feel bad that things are over, but still i'm equally glad that it happened
there's nothing to regret about
i'll try to recall things as good memories
and it ensures me that you'll be a very good friend if i let you be

i won't blame you, not anyone.
i believe we have come up with the best decision anyway.

thank you, thank you very much,
(and yes, i sincerely mean it)
that's a very kind of you, sir.
i appreciate everything that happened, i expect better things to happen afterwards :)

filosofi keripik pedes

versi alicia amanda (18), mahasiswi desain interior itb, mamahnya po di kungfu panda.

makan keripik pedes itu kayak deket sama orang, pas dimakan enak, pengen makan terus, tapi pas berenti makan, kerasa banget nyiksanya (pedesnya). walopun tau pas berenti makan bakal kesiksa sama pedesnya keripik, tetep aja makan terus selama masih ada.

kesel ga lo dengernya? gue sih kesel. ngeselin banget emang quote-nya kayak ftv, tapi jadinya malah terngiang-ngiang tiap makan keripik pedes -____-

what's hard

is not the fact that it hurts
it's the fact that, it's the person for whom you place a lot of admiration that causes the pain
the hard thing is having to admit
that such a delicacy can harm
that even such a bright and warming light can not conceal the dark shades of shadow behind.

it's that you still want to see that one as the same delicate, admirable one
but the truth that he/she is the cause of your pain is equally undeniable.

that, my friend, is a really inconvenient mind-contradiction.

welcome september!

keep my promise for this month: i won't let things linger on.

i'll even take the risk of leaving, and the risk of my heart breaking.

as for my life, i'll wait patiently for the surprises dear september. hope it will make a great month for me :)

had an eye for him even since 2007 when raikkonen was still in! and he's f1's biggie now, ha ha i never set my eye on the wrong person B-)
yea i started watching f1 again and quickly became so into it fufufufuf. i go for this guy (sebastian vettel) and his team mate mark webber is also nice. and no, i don't just merely support him because he's winning, note that in mind!

all of a sudden

i miss this certain person. my best friend who always treats me like his own sister. we haven't talked for a while, but i'm sure i will never feel uncomfortable speaking to him. i miss talking to him, even the most meaningless conversation will do. hey, you know who you are, quit being so arrogant, i've got lots to share with you, bro, and i'm sure you also do.

hikmah diundurnya hari raya

diberi kesempatan lagi untuk kembali mencoba memasak ketupat lebaran setelah ketupat yang dimasak tadi siang (29/8) gagal total setelah gosong karena yang masak lupa kalo lagi masak ketupat terus dengan enaknya tidur dan gogoleran terus lupa harus matiin kompor sampai ketupatnya gosong dan bikin panik ibu yang baru pulang sore-sore, maaf ibu mari kita coba masak lagi besok ya, kalo besok ketupatnya masih gagal lagi mungkin ada baiknya hari raya diundur lagi sampai hari kamis, yang penting merayakan hari raya dengan ketupat.

live report

/sunday, august 28, 9.59 pm

/living room
/opening new post
/itunes playing: she & him
/tv on: manchester united vs. arsenal

something's missing, isn't it?

i don't want to sound clingy.
so please, don't turn me into one.
i'm holding back.

selamat mudik cemans-cemans!

we're having the eid mubarak in two days. my friends are already going back (or about to go) to their hometown. yet i still stay here, in bandung.
well, bandung is my hometown. i actually spent my 18 years here, so how can i not call this town a hometown? moreover, most of my relatives are also here, so every year we celebrate the eid mubarak together, in this lovely city.
but somehow, sometimes i still envy my friends who are doing the 'mudik' tradition. it just sounds fun, spending couple of days in that other place called 'hometown'. at least, getting a different atmosphere, and of course having that blissful feeling of traveling! it's exciting you know, a trip, with many hours spent on the road. and more specially, you can have a quality time with your family while getting trapped in the traffic. it's priceless, friends.
so for you all who is lucky enough to have hours of road trip and join the traffic this year, just be grateful ;)

sometimes, i wish i could be bolder.

but how can you expect me to be so, when 4 out of 5 cases i told out my true view towards something i'll end up regretting it?
you see, that is what i am accustomed to: concealing my thoughts and feelings. yes, i am too afraid to take the risk of being honest; that we can't take back what's been said. how coward i am.

kejanggalan yang paling wajar

kamu mungkin tidak tahu aku sadar

dan aku mungkin tidak tahu kamu sadar
(mungkin juga tidak ingin, dan berharap semoga jangan sampai)

kapan aku akan membiarkan kamu sadar
dan kamu membiarkan aku sadar?

Because because
I'm sick of all the bones you throw
Because because
There's nothing from the seeds you sow

Because - The Bird and The Bee

(i'm all cool, it's just the expecting-and-guessing part that makes me sick.)

take a look at this it's too cute <3

how does it feel like, comforted, sitting in your unknowingness?

feeling safe keeping your eyes closed, whilst blocking your hearing from the surrounding sounds,
denying anything that might harm you,
afraid of anything that might hurt you,
it's good, isn't it? you're dumb but you're fine, pretty much fine.

but someday you'll gonna have to see the brights
and once you open your eyes you'll be blinded by the light

you, who's been curling up, safe and warm in your own world,
blinded, deaf.

are you prepared?

"adanya yang tiada adalah karena yang ada"

kata dosen saya sih ini konsep ruang, kalo kata saya sih ini quote galau masa kini

what's up tomorrow?

i'll have to take a bath before 10.
fffffffffuuuuuuuuuu this is the hardest, dear, the hardest.


i'll go round the world and i'll definitely pay a visit here


been a while

today, a Friday, August 5th 2011

since the first day of this month we've been welcoming the holy month ramadan kareem. which means this is our fifth day of fasting.
spent the first days of ramadan mostly home, sticking with my phone, reading some books, haven't even touched internet except for academic purpose. what a surprise, eh? feels like i've been out of my usual self, who is usually very outgoing (even too outgoing at times, haha). what happened?
idk, i just feel this unexplainable obligation that first days of ramadan should be spent home, with family. even now, when the 'family' shrink into just me, my brother, and my mother. and with my brother mostly out, it became just me and my mother. that made me feel even more obliged to be home, as i automatically become my mother's only companion home.

however, i feel comfortable being home. i mean, i feel okay to skip days out with friends and stuffs. next monday i'll be back to college business, and it'll be less likely for me to be able to be home all day, just like i am now. so i'm enjoying this time being, even without anything particular to do home (well, could've been more productive actually, hehe).

well, hope the rest of this month will be just fine. hehe, have a nice ramadan everyone :)

the new night ritual

burn another aromatic incense.
fragrant, calming.
then, try to go to sleep.
may peace be with us all.

kejutan (cobaan) menjelang awal semester 3

adalah dapet dosen wali paling private, cuma gw sendirian yg diwaliin sama dosen wali gw. memang sangat random dan aneh sepertinya mulai sekarang setiap perwalian judulnya just the two of us sih. hahaha. yang penting keurus deh gw sama dosen wali gw. amin.


conclusion at the end of july: bulan galau will always be bulan galau. same goes this year, it doesn't change. and after a long while, i think i'm gonna see the rooftop again.

so clumsy i am, for falling.

you know i'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

what about later?

true, a very important question it is. but too much popping this question on your head is no good either. so how about leaving this question for later?

overcrowded mind

i enjoy a lone trip, because i won't have to engage in a conversation with anyone else but myself. i enjoy how observing little things could lead me to a very deep and serious thought. i think i am a little bit complicated, but somehow i like it. traveling my own mind is the most exciting journey :D

sedikit bahan renungan

"saya bingung, kenapa orang-orang islam di Indonesia lebih bangga dapat menguasai bahasa Inggris daripada bahasa Arab. denger orang Indonesia baca qur'an, gak ada emosinya sama sekali. kalian ga ngerti apa yang kalian baca, ga ngerti doa apa yang lagi kalian panjatkan. kalau semua umat muslim mengerti isi qur'an, islam pasti bisa jadi lebih maju di dunia ini."

rutin solat itu bagus, rutin baca qur'an lebih bagus lagi. rutin zikir, rutin doa sehari-hari, jauuuuuh lebih bagus lagi. tapi selama ini, kita ngerti gak sih sebenernya kita ngapain? makanya, gimana gak males coba kalo gak ngerti.
kalo mau soleh, harus pinter juga. percuma rajin solat tapi cuma asal gerak, asal baca hapalan. ga ngerti pas ruku ngedoa apa. ga ngerti pas sujud ngedoa apa. ga ngerti maknanya. kalo ga ngerti sih, sama aja orang bodoh ngelakuin hal yang kita sendiri ga bisa ngemaknain.
kalo mau bener-bener memaknai amalan-amalan di agama, cari tau. cari tau maknanya. ibadah itu buat diri sendiri, jangan mau asal ngelakuin apa yang disuruh tanpa ngerti manfaatnya buat diri sendiri. jadilah kritis dan pintar, ya.
haha, jadi merasa bodoh sendiri.

touchdown real life!

or maybe to be exact, touchdown to cyber life! woohooo i'm back guys! well, haven't been totally back actually. my phone's still inactive due to deposit problem (hahahaha), so still can't text or bbm at the moment. miss my friends so freaking much!!!!!

blessings in the early days of july

Semoga aku dapat memaknai nikmat kesempatan yang Kau berikan ini sepantasnya.

Semoga aku dapat mendekatkan diri kepada-Mu, tetap dekat setelah tanah itu kembali jauh.



i'm not sure you will wait, but anyhow if you won't, then you will never. and i would better know it now than some other time when everything has gone much further than this. by the next sunrise i gotta go, farewell hey brant, i hope you'll wait for me to greet you again in another warm day of july. i hope you'll be doing great, with all things that need to be taken care of in this city. i know you will do.

and i hope, even if just a little, you'll miss me the way i'll do ;p

basi cenah

udah lewat nyaris sebulan, tapi mendadak pengen share ini :D


today i had a dream that was almost lucid. i knew that it was a dream, but still i couldn't help feeling so sad about it. i woke up immediately, feeling anxious, my heart beat was racing so fast. it all because of a dream that i knew was not true from the very beginning. still, i felt so bad because of it. i don't want to get another dream like that again.

thank god, it was just a dream anyhow.

thank god, everything's just okay. i'm so relieved. thank you.

memang penipu ulung

lagi chat fb sama tarno terus dia nanya kapan perwalian:

padahal sebenernya gue boongin biar dia cepet balik, padahal jelas-jelas ngasal banget boongnya tapi tiba-tiba...

hmmm gimana yah #mirisdanmerasabersalahdikit haha maap deh nooo, gue kirain lo gak percaya beneraaaaan, haha.

Piano Sonata op. 13 "Pathétique" 2nd mov.

my holiday target ffufufufu,

upon hearing, it's actually not really difficult (or well i think so, hmm), but i practiced for around 3/4 hrs today and just able to play around 12-16 bars. the beginning is supposed to be the easiest phase of the song, indeed! hm, mutlak perlu level up! fu fu fu hard work cinc!

p.s. today i just found out that playing piano is just the same as drawing. at first i always thought we could produce a more emotional and soulful play/drawings when we're feeling unstable (labil cenah unstable haha naonsih) but actually i just get uncontrolled, not calm, and impatient upon practicing, and i don't think it's a good thing :/

a piacere (at pleasure) - freedom of performance

to travel.

hal yang aku pahami sejak dulu dan aku pelajari dalam belasan tahun kehidupanku, adalah bahwa jalur kehidupan setiap manusia sama halnya seperti perjalanan. lurus, berhimpit, membelok, naik, turun, bersimpangan. jalan itu tentu saja tidak sepi dan aku akan sengaja atau tanpa sengaja bertemu dengan orang lain. mungkin pertemuan itu terjadi dalam suatu penantian lampu merah, persimpangan ramai, atau mungkin saat membantu orang yang mesinnya mogok.

kadang pertemuan itu terjadi sekilas dan biasa saja. sekedar melambaikan tangan dari balik jendela mobil masing-masing sebagai rasa terimakasih karena telah mengalah saat berbagi jalan. sekedar mengedikkan kepala saat bertemu di persimpangan. terkadang omelan dan decakan kesal saat pertemuan terjadi buru-buru dan jadi saling menghambat.

bisa juga terkadang singgah bersama di suatu perhentian lalu bercakap-cakap panjang. melepas penat di jalan, termanjakan rasa nyaman.

bisa juga kemudian, perjalanan menjadi sepertujuan. dan saat akhirnya perjalanan dilanjutkan, sadar tak sadar kalian menjadi beriringan.

mungkin mengenai teman perjalanan ini, bisa agak membingungkan. sebab, kadang-kadang muncul dan hilangnya kita tak sadar. terkadang keramaian jalan dapat memisahkan, saat ia tercegat rambu di belakang dan kamu telah berjalan duluan. lalu kalian saling kehilangan, saat akhirnya satu sama lain tak lagi saling terjangkau pandangan mata.

mungkin sekarang akhirnya kamu sendirian lagi, tapi yang harus kamu yakini adalah jika kalian telah saling satu tujuan, tak masalah sekarang mengambil jalan apa. mungkin kamu sampai duluan, ya sudah tunggu saja dengan sabar. siapkan senyummu yang paling menyenangkan untuk menyambutnya saat akhirnya dia sampai juga, tak bersamaan tetapi akan bersama.

being an agnostic

belakangan ini, gue sering secara sengaja ataupun gak sengaja mencaritahu hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan ini. mungkin karena di lingkungan gue yang sekarang, gue kenal dengan banyak orang agnostik yang secara cukup terbuka menyatakan kepercayaannya ini, bahkan terbuka untuk mendiskusikannya baik secara langsung ataupun lewat media seperti facebook atau tumblr. lumayan menarik juga dan lumayan bikin mikir sampe rungsing, haha :D

agnostik, intinya adalah mempercayai Tuhan, tapi tidak mempercayai adanya agama. jadi intinya seorang agnostik itu percaya adanya Tuhan, tapi untuk menyatakan kepercayaannya tsb dia gak menganut agama apapun, gitu.

yang gue tahu dari beberapa teman gue yang agnostik, rata-rata dari mereka memilih jadi agnostik karena mereka percaya bahwa secara rasio Tuhan itu pasti ada, karena setiap sistem pasti ada penciptanya. sistem seperti alam semesta yang luar biasa kompleks dan besar ini, kalau bukan Tuhan, siapa lagi yang bisa mengatur dan mengendalikannya, bukan? oleh karena itu, menurutnya, Tuhan itu pasti ada.
tapi yang membuat mereka akhirnya tidak menganut agama apapun, kalau sepengetahuan gue adalah karena konsepsi 'satu jalan mutlak menuju surga' itu yang agak sulit diterima. bahwa orang-orang yang akhirnya mendapatkan tempat terbaik di sisi-Nya pada hereafter world itu mutlak adalah orang yang menjalani hidup sesuai aturan agama yang dianut-Nya. jika Muslim, maka artinya menaati quran, jika Kristian maka menaati injil, dsb dsb. pada akhirnya itulah yang menentukan kehidupan abadi kita kelak. yang artinya, bahkan meskipun semasa hidup lo, lo adalah orang yang sangat baik hati dan selalu membantu sesama, blablabla, kalau akhirnya keimanan lo ada di jalan yang salah, you don't deserve the heaven. sounds really not fair, right? itu yang gue tangkep dari temen-temen gue, adalah konsep agama yang paling sulit diterima.
akhirnya mereka memilih untuk percaya bahwa tidak ada surga maupun neraka, ataupun setidaknya jikapun ada, tidak seperti konsep yang selama ini kita percayai. untuk mencapai kedekatan dengan Tuhan, tidak diperlukan suatu ajaran yang sifatnya sangat membatasi, karena menurut mereka pada akhirnya tujuan ibadah kita pun terpatok untuk mendapatkan tropi berupa surga itu. akhirnya mereka memilih untuk menjalani hidup dan berbuat apa yang mereka anggap baik tanpa harus terikat pada suatu aturan agama tertentu demi mendapatkan tempat yang pantas di sisi Tuhan.

kadangkadang, argumen-argumen itu cukup meragukan gue. selama ini gue berusaha sebisa mungkin menjalankan ibadah sesuai qur'an dan sunnah sebagai seorang muslim. tujuannya apa? surga? terus yang bisa masuk surga cuma orang muslim doang? kalau ternyata agama yang benar itu bukan agama gue gimana jadinya, sia-sia gitu? atau kalau ternyata emang gak ada agama yang bener sama sekali, gimana?
gue mencoba sangat keras untuk membuat segala konsep-konsep ini rasional. masuk akal. bahwa Tuhan itu ada, bahwa agama itu ada, bahwa agama yang gue anut sekarang adalah agama yang paling benar, bahwa surga itu ada, dan banyak pertanyaan lainnya. hasilnya? pusing sendiri, demi Allah. pertanyaan itu ujung-ujungnya just like heads chasing tails. gak berujung, muter-muter. gak ada argumen yang memuaskan gue. tapi, untuk akhirnya menjadi seorang agnostik juga gue masih belum merasa itu cukup rasional juga, soalnya kadang-kadang pada akhirnya what still keeps me sane is the religion i'm standing upon. kepercayaan ini juga yang akhirnya nolong gue supaya hidup gue gak terlalu nyimpang.
terus, kemaren gue baca di buku yang kemaren gue beli di Salihara. tentang filsafat-filsafat dasar gitu bukunya. intinya, ada salah satu poin yang cukup ngena buat gue di bab mengenai keimanan dan rasio gitu. keimanan itu gak bisa dipikirin oleh rasio, sampai kapanpun. keduanya adalah wilayah yang berbeda. mengenai Tuhan, surga, agama, dan sebagainya, itu adalah sepenuhnya wilayah keimanan lo buat memercayainya, dan kalo lo mencoba melihatnya melalui rasio, selamanya pun gak akan nyampe dan malah menghancurkan diri lo sendiri.

temen gue pernah bilang di salah satu debat mengenai agama ini: 'kalo saya sih sebagai muslim, ya terima ajalah apa yang disuruh Allah, disuruhnya gitu ya jalanin aja'. bahasanya mungkin kurang ngena, tapi setelah gue baca buku filsafat itu, gue ngerti poinnya dia: tentang Allah, biarin aja itu urusan keimanan kita, emang tugasnya menerima dan percaya. percaya, bahkan walaupun terlihat gak masuk akal oleh rasio. agama itu wilayah keimanan, makanya gak usah dipertanyakan.

end of story, haha. maaf ya, gue cerita ini gak pake bahasa akademik, bener-bener random banget nih.

you have no idea how hard i have been trying to be pretty cautious, but it seems like i'll just end up falling clumsily for you.

well, it hasn't really happened, it's just a self-precaution, you see.
i promise i'll be careful, then can you promise me to be.... safe? safe for falling?

Tell your mind every day before you go to sleep: “Yaa Ayyatuhan Nafsul Mutma-innah, Irji’ee iLaa Rabbiki Raadhiyatam Mardhiyyah, Fadhkhulee Fee Ibaadee Wadhkhulee Jannatee” (Al-Fajr 89:27-30)

“O soul that is at rest satisfied. Return to your Lord well-pleased (with Him), well-pleasing (Him). So, enter among My servants, and enter into my Paradise”

dear muslim tumblr users, open this link please, i think it's a quite good idea to have posts like those appear in your page every now and then, you agree? :)

hope i've shared something good for you today by this post, then :)


sedikit ragu mencuat, sekelibat tanya merambat. hal-hal yang tidak jelas dalam benak mendengung membuat kepala penat, andai saja tidur dapat membuat segalanya lenyap. aku berusaha meyakinkan diri, dari setiap jenak aku mengamat cepat layar dengan satu nama dalam pikiran. tak dapat kutampik bahwa hadirnya sedikit kecewa menyatakan harapan diam-diam.

kurasa kamu tengah ditunggu saat ini.

brief story

just had a verrry exciting artsy-day with my artsy-friends! haha, we actually went straight on 3 art exhibitions. yea, we finished it in a single day.

first one was garin nugroho's installation art exhibition on gedung bentara budaya. it was cool, the installations were accompanied by a brief explanation of the art, written in a prose-like diction. i always like arts with prose, so i loved it.

second one was an exhibition in Ruang Rupa, the theme was Jakarta 32 degree (if i'm not mistaken, hehe). the arts were more playful in my opinion: big map on which you can stick tiny vehicle-stickers, a wallpaper made by a photocopied artworks of vehicles, 3D houses made of corrugated that you can arrange yourself, and many others. see, they were so playful!

and the third one, was a vector art exhibition in Salihara. actually i was more impressed with the place, hehe, it's similar to Sunaryo Art Space. the arts were sooooo graphic design! haha (dkv alert) but they were so cool, neatly made, and some even so complex i can't imagine how long did it take to work it on the comp. fffuu, impressive!

see, how could it be more artsy? haha. enjoyed today pretty much, friends :D

sorry or please - koc

Five weeks in a prison, I made no friends
There's more time to be done, but I've got a week to spend
I didn't pay much attention first time around
But now you're hard not to notice, right here in my town
Where the stage of my old life meets the cast of the new
Tonights actors: Me and You

Each day is taking us closer
While drawing the curtains to close
This far, or further, I need to know
Your increasingly long embraces
Are they saying sorry or please?
I don't know what's happening, help me

Through the streets, on the corners, there's a scent in the air
I ask you out and I lead you, I know my way around here
There's a bench I remember, and on the way there I find
That the movements you're making, are mirrored in mine
And your hand is held open, intentionally
Or just what I want to see?

Your increasingly long embraces
Are they saying sorry or please?
I don't know what's happening, help me
I don't normally beg for assistance
I rely on my own eyes to see
But right now they make no sense to me
Right now you make no sense to me

good ones!

probably better than 80% of those trashy 2-hours movies in our country nowadays, which only sell sex or ghosts. oh no, not probably. this is certainly better.

it might not be the right time
i might not be the right one

target liburan

1. rutin olahraga

supaya gak langsung hipotensi terus muntah cupu gitu padahal baru main basket 15 menit, zzz

2. bongkar otak-atik kamar
biar gak bosen, kamarnya makin asik. pengennya ngestencil dindingnya terus masang-masang foto, blablabla, segala macem deh

3. level up musik apapun deh
galau? tinggal maen sokasik gitu ke piano. no more cupu play.

4. tamatin semua buku, dvd yang numpuk
jangan internet terus

5. cari proyekan
double advantage banget nih, duit jalan, skill on. hahaha. ada yang mau ngasih?

let's see!

apparently, the story went on so fast that even i find it hard to keep following. for so many things to happen in such short time, i should keep my expectation low. besides, there's still much more to think about, so much consideration. am i happy? of course i am. the problem is just, where does this happiness stand? i'm afraid that i'm building it upon other people's disappointment.

i hope everything will be just okay.


kalo kata brenda, DP 2011 = Dapet Pacar 2011, berarti gue Dapet Inceran 2011! haha!Alhamdulillah, i get into the major of my choice, almost precisely a year after being accepted in the faculty.

however, it's gonna be a hard work. porto is going to keep me busy even during the holidays, i'm gonna be really beaten up with all the measuring and stuffs. moreover, even going to the studio is a hard work as i'll have to go through no less than 4 stairs up! fufufu, let's see how i'm gonna survive for the next 3 years (am gonna graduate in time, amen).

guilty pleasure

random conversation

de hanif: bun, ngantuuuk

tante ovi: iya sok tidur sekarang, sikat gigi dulu yah..
de hanif: gak mau sikat gigiiii....
tante ovi: ih ade jiji loh tadi makan coklat kan lengket
de hanif: udah kumur-kumur aja gausah sikat gigi
tante ovi: udah bunda ambilin bentar sikat giginya, ade tuh sejarahnya giginya gampang berlubang
de hanif: aaaah gak mauuuu
om yud: salah sendiri jadi anaknya dokter gigi
tante ovi: ayo de sikat gigi yuk nih udah bunda ambilin sikat giginya
de hanif: aaaah gak mau sikat gigiiii, ngapain, besok juga makan, kotor lagiii
om yud: iya de bener banget, pinter yah ade, ngapain mandi, nanti juga kotor lagi badannya, ngapain potong rambut, nanti juga panjang lagi
tante ovi: kalo gitu besok juga gausah makan, nanti juga laper lagi... yuk de sikat gigi

Love is like a bruise

Love is like a bruise;

first a dashing periwinkle then
a sullen lime-green
then a hangdog sort of ochre until
it fades with age

You and I, how will it end -
wounds without poultice,
questions without answers,
just canvassing on:
the rumor of colors

-Laksmi Pamuntjak, 2005. Ellipsis
(many of the poems in the book were hard to understand
but still, the words are very beautiful - classy, implicit)

this is a mamihlapinatapai, only it happens in distance, in which we did not share a look but i was pretty sure we were both staring at our own screen, hoping the same thing.

am i correct?

istana plaza

gatau kenapa selow lah walaupun gak segemilang semester kmrn (emg kmrn gemilang? haha soksokan). buat gw mau bagus mau jelek, itu cuma sekedar angka, yg penting buat gw sih angka itu sebanding sama effort gw. gw gak butuh (cieee sok jual mahal lah gak butuh) dapet angka bagus, toh gw ga akan puas kalo angka bagus itu ga gw dapet dengan effort yang keras juga. gak jadi seneng juga ko, malah heran orang ga pernah usaha ko nilai tibatiba oke. jadi yaaaa.... buat gw, gw sama sekali ga layak misuh atau ngeluh tentang nilai gw skrg karena.... yah, that's what i deserve :D yang penting semoga masuk prodi yang diprioritaskan, amin deh. SEMANGKA, SEMANGAT KAKA! TING!

untuk beberapa banyak orang (mungkin)

Saya tidak pernah menganggap kamu teman walau kita saling kenal. Kita mungkin akan canggung dalam percakapan, akan sulit mencari topik yang kita berdua sepikiran. Banyak perilaku kamu yang bertentangan dengan prinsip saya, dan mungkin begitu pula pandangan kamu terhadap saya. Tapi saya punya penghargaan pada kamu, karena dengan cara kamu sendiri kamu telah memengaruhi hidup saya. Dengan cara kamu sendiri, kamu berpengaruh. Mungkin kamu tidak sadar, karena mungkin saya bagi kamu tidak begitu signifikan, alias mudah dilupakan.

Walaupun kita bukan teman, kamu adalah salah satu orang yang cukup penting dalam hidup saya dan sepertinya akan sulit saya lupakan.


in the stage of lowest self-esteem

saat terus-terusan mempertanyakan kenapa begini, kenapa begitu, dan menyadari begitu banyak yang saya tidak punya. begitu banyak. lalu melihat orang lain dan terus-terusan menempatkan semua orang di atas, jauh jauh jauh di atas.

semua orang begitu hebat. bagaimana dengan saya?

terlepas dari penilaian orang lain pada saya, bagaimana saya menilai diri sendiri itu juga sama pentingnya. sejauh apa saya meletakkan penghargaan atas diri saya sendiri. sejauh apa seluruh perasaan negatif yang saya rasakan dapat saya konversikan menjadi motivasi untuk maju.

sekarang, mau apa?

LOL, like it if you like it! :D


the music is good, and the MV is just as awesome. yea, eargasmic, eyegasmic. haha.

4-5 Juni 2011

melebur menjadi api, cacing ini akan menjadi naga.


time really flies, doesn't it? we've arrived to the mid of the year already, it feels like it's just yesterday when we were in the merry of celebrating 2011. looks like it's been tough, all the 6 months - well, the word 'hectic' is gonna suit more i think.

anyway, the first half of the year already gave me so many things and experiences to learn from. sooo many things to give a thought about, so many hardships but also bliss. how nice, i've got so much to learn up until now :)
plus we already started this month with so many good things: trip to cigondewah, and of course the latest is.... i-ni-si-a-si! yeaaa, yesterday we've already been welcomed to our new family KMSR, in a very long and moving night in the gedung SR. what's a better way to start this month anyway, we've already got a very good one!

so, the rest of this month's gonna be a........ guess what? FULL HOLIDAY! haha!
let's enjoy our holiday, try something new everyday, plan to create something, do anything we never had time for during college time. let's make it a creative, productive, happy holiday :)))))

the agent of change..

bermain bola bersama anak-anak cigondewah
(photo taken by Fadlie)

they may not know how to be well-mannered and to speak politely to other people. they may not be raised in a good environment, they may not be well taught by their parents. but still, they are children who are good at heart. they are so young, they do not know what's good and what's not. it's so heartbreaking that they don't get good education and thus they learn from their elders to speak rude words, not behaving properly, and so on.
bukan salah mereka, hanya saja hanya itu yang dapat mereka lihat dan mereka pelajari. buat mereka, berbicara kasar itu tidak salah dan setelah besar mereka toh akan jadi petani plastik atau main adu japati juga. mereka tidak diajari untuk punya cita-cita besar.

mengamati anak-anak di kampung ini, sangat menyedihkan saya. mereka begitu terbiasa saling berbicara dengan menggunakan kata-kata dan intonasi suara yang begitu kasar. mereka terbiasa dengan jajanan yang tidak menyehatkan, mereka terbiasa mengharapkan pemberian dari pendatang.
bukan salah mereka, ini salah didikan. saya melihat orangtua-orangtua menggunakan intonasi dan kata-kata yang sama saat berbicara dengan anaknya. salahkah jika akhirnya si anak menganggap itu wajar dalam percakapan? saya mempelajari kecenderungan anak-anak disini tidak melanjutkan pendidikan, rata-rata hanya sampai SD dan SMP. salahkah jika akhirnya mereka tidak punya visi untuk masa depan? saya tanya seorang anak, kenapa kok dia tidak sekolah. jawabnya, celananya basah, dimarahi ibu, tidak bisa sekolah. anak-anak cigondewah setelah lulus SMP rata-rata langsung kerja jadi buruh pabrik plastik. pendidikan bukan kebutuhan.

untuk mengubah suatu lingkungan dan memajukannya, merekalah investasi terbesar, bukan?

'iya, jadi nanti setelah bagian tepi lapangannya dirapiin, nanti tempat ini bisa jadi tempat main cewe....'

-farras pas lagi presentasi konsep lapangan bola.

beberapa saat setelah itu, semua orang di padepokan kompak ketawa, dan akhirnya farras pun sadar kalo 'tempat main cewe' (yang sebenernya maksudnya adalah tempat anak-anak cewe main) adalah pilihan kata-kata yang sangat ambigu...

what i got from cigondewah

cuma 2 hari dan 1 malam di cigondewah, tapi saya merasa telah mendapatkan lebih banyak dari 1bulan rutinitas kuliah. Turunlah ke masyarakat, banyak pelajaran berharga. Ikutlah main adu japati bersama bapak-bapak di lapangan sebelah. Ngobrollah dengan anak-anak yang main-main di pinggir jalan. Ajak anak laki-laki main bola lalu cebur-ceburanlah di lumpur. Ajak anak perempuan main ular naga atau anjang-anjangan. Memasaklah dengan ibu-ibu di rumah terdekat. Mengantrilah untuk mandi. Tidurlah ramai-ramai di atas lantai beralas karpet. Cari tahu. Berbaurlah dengan masyarakat. Lalu berkarya bersama.

Berkarya bersama. Bukan cuma tugas-tugas yang kamu tekuni karena diwajibkan saja. Berkaryalah bersama.


"Bagaimana DKV itu tercerminkan dalam karya? apakah 2D? apakah warna? warna apakah? The dragon who sees above the light into the darkness beyond will choose the darkness over the light"

- M Hasnan Habib on Marvin's comment book.

tpb is almost over

pameran karya tpb kemarin akhirnya beres juga, yesterday was the last day.

the last day of exhibiting our first year's assignments.
well, after today, i'm not gonna meet those poster colors again, nor the every-tuesday-hell-gamtuk-class, but well, more and more konstruk is waiting.
enjoying the last day of togetherness with my 204 friends upon doing academic activity, i feel the deep melancholy inside me. while we were gathering near the stage, performing, then singing along our song, lagu gawe, then dancing together and laughing so hard together, the feeling was so hard within me. i am going to miss this all. this craziness, this togetherness, that dirty and big TPB studio, the cold and windy selasing. i'm gonna miss being called, 'heh tpb!', gonna miss the taboo of talking about what's 'inside the building'.
then, looking at my comment book. it was full, mostly filled with random notes and comments from my college friends. they were writing plenty on my comment book. addressing me with 'cicak', or questioning my hair and my eyebrows, wishing me a good luck on interior design, telling me to behave well to suit my hijab, telling me not to forget them after going to separate studio, and so on. it moved me, pretty much. oh, how i love my silly friends, with whom i eat my lunch with, with whom i shared many nights working on many events, with whom i shared laughs and cries together. it's not that this is the end of our togetherness, but it's just not gonna be the same. this year's been a blast. it was a year that's impossible to repeat, even if we're not going to be really separated once we've got into the building anyway.
still, i'm gonna miss going on the same big studio with them, monday to thursday, all this year. we will never gonna meet a class or a studio as big as it was.
wish you all the best, my dear friends. gonna miss you lots.

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

read in on my friend's tumblr and instantly in love with this. ffffuuuuu ♥

Disini, menatap langit bertukar warna terus, dan matahari menyebrangi jarak antara kita berdua. Ia yang mulanya muncul di belakang punggungku lalu tenggelam ditelan bahumu. Disini, menatap kamu di sebrangku, menelisik seluruh lekuk garis wajah dan tubuhmu, mengamati bagaimana matahari menjatuhkan gelap dan terang di atasnya sehingga terkadang kamu jelas, terkadang buram, lalu akhirnya tinggal serupa bayangan karena tertentang terlalu banyak terang di belakang.

Kamu bilang, satu hari terlalu lama untuk hanya tinggal dan tidak melakukan apa-apa.

Aku ragu kamu benar. Aku ingin tetap tinggal karena dengan kamu yang ada di depanku, aku tidak benar-benar tidak melakukan apa-apa.

Kamu saja yang tidak tahu. Kamu saja yang tidak mengerti.