it costs less, it's priceless. ride around the town, singing to the radio, thoughtful conversations. recipe's already good, now add some friends. now that's called awesome.
had this today, made my day. ecstatic happiness.
aku ingin laut. laut yang biru gelap, bukan air pesisir yang toska. laut yang dingin airnya, bukan air pesisir yang menitipkan hangat matahari. laut tanpa riak, bukan air pesisir yang ramai akan buih dan ombak yang berlomba-lomba menyeret pasir. laut dimana kaki tak dapat menjejak, bukan air pesisir yang dasarnya tertebak.
aku ingin tenggelam di laut. ingin mengenalkan setiap jengkal tubuhku pada asin airnya. bukan pesisir, bukan lari manja di pesisir sambil takut basah. aku ingin tenggelam, dalam. aku ingin mengenal laut dan laut ingin mengenal aku. aku mau tenggelam semakin dalam lagi... cuma ingin tahu laut sedalam apa.
kamu pikir aku gila, cari bahaya. tapi pantai terlalu riang, laut lebih tenang.
around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world. around the world, around the world.
quit all the worry and seriously just be happy, how could that not be easy? :) :) :)
i know i have to find courage and put aside all those unpleasant thoughts, but i can't help but pulling away, feeling too scared to try to be back in.
keep, keep pulling away, stressed in loneliness more than ever, but too scared of what could possibly be a rejection.
it's stressful trying to figure out what's in people's mind... they might think i'm hell boring. things change. it's different, i feel miserable. then, i'm pulling away.
you always tell, work hard, work hard, make the best out of every second spent. you've started running when others were just about to start the engine. you say a stop meant refueling the tank, instead of sparing some leisure time.
for you, i have nothing but admiration; hands down. but watching you from here where i stand, i am literally gasping for air to breathe just to catch you while you run.
out of everyone, you are the one who actually deserve a celebration. just once in a while, give yourself a congratulation.
/via skype, late night chat with alicia amanda (summarized version)
alicia amanda: ceeeuuu
fathina diyanissa: apa ce
alicia amanda: ***** onlen ce
fathina diyanissa: haha
fathina diyanissa: iya gw tau
fathina diyanissa: cet dong ce
alicia amanda: iya ah gw mo cet ah
fathina diyanissa: ciyeeee
fathina diyanissa: cet apaan?
alicia amanda: dekdekan
alicia amanda: cet apa yakk
fathina diyanissa: hahaha cet aja ce
fathina diyanissa: pura2 spam gitu aja ce
fathina diyanissa: hey, merry christmas! open a special gift from me http://apaaja.com
alicia amanda: HAHAHAHAHA
alicia amanda: bangsat gw ngakak
alicia amanda: http://apaaja.com
fathina diyanissa: hahahaha
beberapa menit kemudian... (setelah udah chat ngalor ngidul)
alicia amanda: ceeuuu
alicia amanda: masa kata brenda gw ngasih link video bokep
fathina diyanissa: hah.....
fathina diyanissa: kok bisa ce
fathina diyanissa: makanya lu jangan asal klik2 link spam ih jadi kehack kan akun lu
alicia amanda: gw gatau
alicia amanda: gw gapernah buka video bokep.. apalagi ngirim
fathina diyanissa: lah terus?
alicia amanda: kata brenda http://apaaja.com tuh video bokep
fathina diyanissa: HAH?
fathina diyanissa: jadi gw yg ngirim link video bokep???
alicia amanda: iya ceu hahahahahahaha
alicia amanda: bangsat emang apaaja.com duh gw ngakak ga brenti2
fathina diyanissa: duh sumpah ce gw asal ketik
fathina diyanissa: gw gatau kenyataan sesungguhnya dari apaaja.com
btw gausah dibuka ya guys apaaja.com, bukan video bokep kok ternyata (ini serius)
I feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood and not making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone and being loved means so much to me. I always make fun of it and stuff, but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
karena setelah pukul dua belas malam, kereta kuda pun akan kembali menjadi labu
dan aku pun tak perlu menjadi palsu
kamu adalah temanku bahkan walaupun yang kupunya cuma labu
aku tidak mengerti kenapa semua orang mengelu-elukan pangeran,
akhir bahagia selamanya tidak terdengar begitu menyenangkan.
mari terjaga semalaman. mari naik kereta, atau menyetir jauh tanpa tujuan. jangan pikirkan kemana kita akan pergi. melamun saja sambil pandangi pohon, pandangi lampu-lampu dari balik kaca jendela. tidak penting kemana kita akan menuju, nikmati saja perjalanannya.
let us be consumed by the silence. jangan bicara. jangan bicara sepatah kata pun.
bantu aku malam ini, jangan bicara apapun, duduk saja di sampingku. kamu, duniamu yang berbeda denganku. penampilanmu yang berbeda denganku. pikiranmu yang berbeda denganku. bukankah kita begitu tidak cocok duduk bersampingan?
bantu aku, jangan bicara apapun. sebab keheningan adalah satu-satunya kesamaan di antara kita. aku tidak mau tahu apa yang kamu pikirkan. aku menikmati keheningan ini, serta tatapan yang tidak pernah ditujukan satu sama lain. tanpa saling memandangi kita tidak akan peduli dengan perbedaan ini. dan hening, satu-satunya hal yang dapat kita bagi. satu-satunya mutual antara kamu dan aku. bahwa kita bisa sama-sama diam. hening.
mari terjaga semalaman, mari melihat matahari terbit bersama-sama. bukankah memandang langit tertentang berangsur terang itu menyenangkan?
"ce, tar selama liburan pas kita ngerjain porto, lo bakal selalu ada di bandung buat gw kan?? ya kan?? gw mau sering-sering nginep di rumah lo ngerjain bareng ya ce gapapa ya... gw jadi anak angkatnya bu jua ya ce...."
if any of you just happened to know me yesterday (without any idea of how i am the moment you actually first know me), and shared a conversation
would you care to know me better? would you care to understand me deeper?
would you be curious about me? or will the first encounter be as well the last for both of us?
never mind, just curious.
work things out, and unless you have genies in the bottle, don't expect them to change overnight.
for some reasons, things look better in a slow motion.
skin can never forget the pain of the bruise that colors them a hangdog green
land can never forget the cold of the rain they soak and quiver in
coal can never forget the heat of the fire that burns them wrath and smoking
greens can never forget the kiss of the sun that keeps them gorged and growing
ones can never forget the bit of the heaps that entangles them in a wistful longing
was it shiver down your spine, or was it just the weather? were you soaking in the rain or was it you weeping tears in disguise? why is it that cold always means blue, and suddenly those poignant scenes seem so true.
and all that's left was just us, watching and laughing at ourselves on the stage, thus drawing the curtain to close and begin the cast for the next year's stage.
that was the end of the somewhat red-bull-dominated 2011 season!
the season is, yeah, fantastic, despite all the boring dominance of red bull and sebastian vettel. but no one can blame them from being superior - the cars were fantastic from the very beginning of the season and the drivers, especially vettel, were almost flawless on saturdays and sundays. they simply just ran away from the very first chequered flag of the season, leaving the rest of the pack struggling behind them. seeing the constant pace of races, by half of the season it was no question that red bull and vettel were gonna clinch both titles, it was just rather of when.
the early wins of this season made the season rather dull, because with the early reveal of the champions, there's no longer those nailbiting moments of racing for the points - that turned the last grand prix the 'season encore' instead of 'season finale'. the feel of watching it was completely different from other finales - take 2010 or 2007 in instance.
so, as the season ends, the battle has moved from the circuits to the factories. the 2012 battle begins as the constructors compete to design the best car and provide best engines, given some changes of regulation. we would like to see more competitive cars that hopefully will lead to a competitive season, instead of an over-dominated season.
see you in march, F1!
it's funny seeing us people, how we actually go through same problems, same cases, only different version, different casts. how we're desperately trying to tell ourselves: you've been here before. not easy, but don't take it too much. you'll handle it, you'll get over it.
how we're desperately repeating it over and over in our mind like a spell, but still, we're foolishly overwhelmed, going head over heels just like the first time.
jangan lupa, tujuan terpenting kita dalam menjalani hidup. selain tujuan-tujuan yang telah kita susun dan kita rancang untuk masa depan kita, ada tujuan lain. tujuan jangka panjang, yang jauh lebih panjang bahkan dari tujuan seumur hidup kita. dimana tujuan-tujuan hidup kita yang lain sudah sepatutnya kita rancang untuk membekali diri agar kita dapat lebih siap meraih tujuan utama tersebut.
tujuannya ada setelah kematian.
mengenai kehidupan setelah kematian sendiri, masih agak bias konsepnya bagi saya. saya percaya bahwa ia ada, namun mungkin konsep yang ada di pikiran saya agak berbeda dari konsep yang selalu didoktrinkan kepada kita sejak kecil.
kehidupan setelah kematian mungkin rahasia yang sangat besar yang saking besarnya, konsep mengenainya juga sangat sulit diterima akal sehat. karena itu, pendekatan kita menuju kehidupan tersebut pada akhirnya terpecah belah. pendekatan menuju garis finish itu pun akhirnya ditempuh dengan jalur yang berbeda-beda, jalan yang berbeda-beda.
namun satu hal yang saya yakini dengan amat sangat, motivasi utama saya untuk menjalani hidup dengan sepantasnya dan dengan sebaik yang saya bisa adalah karena saya percaya akan kehidupan setelah kematian. sebuah motivasi untuk hidup dengan mengendalikan dan bukannya dikendalikan oleh hawa nafsu, menurut saya berasal dari tujuan ini. dan pada akhirnya, bahwa kita memiliki tujuan untuk mencapai kehidupan setelah kematian sebaik mungkin adalah motivasi yang membedakan kita dengan makhluk hidup lainnya, bukan?
dan hampir setiap manusia, dengan jalannya masing-masing, hidup dengan visi yang sama: kehidupan setelah kematian. dengan jalannya masing-masing, dengan pendekatannya masing-masing, kita semua dapat saling membatasi diri dan dapat hidup bersama di dunia.
hidup tidak berhenti dengan kematian. sadar atau tidak, hal inilah yang seharusnya mendasari setiap hal yang kita lakukan di dunia.
sebaiknya sih sadar.
1. read at least 3 books, either fiction or non-fiction, among them at least 1 english book
2. watch at least a movie (since i'm not a movie-goer hahaha)
3. write something meaningful, either a journal or a review or whatever
4. at least a week of playing any musical instrument (just to make sure i don't forget how to play it haha)
5. do something spontaneous and break the routines
upon dealing with a certain problem, try to figure it out using this approach:
in five years, will it still matter?
i believe we will see many 'no's answering this question. i know it's difficult (and i mean it i really know i'm not just bluffing) but if the answer is a no then just try to put aside the problem and not to give too much concern to it... just a waste of time you see. in five years you will laugh at yourself at how foolish you are, to fuss over such a matter.
is that moment when someone very dear to you is slowly, gradually drifting apart from you
and you can do nothing but helplessly stand on your very own feet, staring at his/her back moving away from you, become smaller and smaller and finally he/she is outside your reach
you helplessly stare at his/her back. crossing your finger to hopefully see him/her just turn around to give the last gaze, but even just one more gaze is apparently a far cry from reality.
and you'll stand, alone, and finally you'll continue to walk on your path, knowing that your very dear companion is not anymore by your side.
my itunes artist of the night: camera obscura
if you were season you would be in bloom
i wish i had good reason to see you soon
no need to convince me that you were a catch
i bought my ticket and so at last
who was it that said love conquers all?
oh he was a fool cause it doesn't add up
should i believe you told a lie
on the way to my heart and the way back?
are my eyes the coldest blue?
you said once this was true
if it is i don't know what i'll do
cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
was i quite bad that nothing could never challenged anyone
or was i a lazy lazy snake
do you want me to be a gentle diplomat?
oh, you can beg and you can plead
are my eyes the coldest blue?
you said once this was true
if it is i don't know what i'll do
cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
cause i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you
i'm stuck with them and they're stuck on you...
i am truly fascinated by how a book/movie/biography/documentary/whatsoever tells something from a way you've probably never imagined before. how it does tell a life of someone who's seemingly so out of your circle-of-life, or captures something from an angle you have never tried before. it gives you something really new, and better yet, make you put yourself in those brand-new shoes. uh-mazing.
if you're looking for the perfect, then you're gonna spend your life just keep looking and looking. keep giving up one thing to another, that at the time seems to be the better. giving up this and going on that, and repeat and repeat and repeat. it might seem right, but in the process you simply break many hearts. those who have given you so much, but you left them merely because a little bit here and a little bit there.
does it worth it?
if you're looking for the perfect, then good luck in that never-ending journey. you thought you were going a straight line but what you were doing is actually just running in circles. you thought you move forward but the road leads you back to the start. and you are totally unaware about it - all you know is you always find the better but it's only better prior to the previous, you'll never really know for sure.
does it worth it?
i hope at a point you'll gonna realize how much you have missed and how much you have wasted in your attempt of finding the perfect - the one you'll never be able to figure out unless you cope with the imperfects and define your own perfection: the beauty of loving the imperfection.
newest album in my itunes:
the most relaxing classical album in the world... ever!
(oke, ini album kompilasi sebenernya)
adem banget rasanya denger album ini...... langsung berasa jadi cewek klasik gitu (padahal pencitraan), seriously if you have a thing for classics, go download this album and enjoy! really, i mean it: ENJOY!
oke saya tau, mungkin udah terlambat sekitar satu tahun atau satu semester buat saya ngepost ini, tapi yah... the thought just came up lately, hehe.
sekedar cerita, saya mungkin salah satu orang yang mengalami transisi yang cukup drastis dari secondary school life ke college life. walaupun orang-orang bilang institusi dimana saya berkuliah sekarang itu notabene lingkungannya sama dengan sekolah asal saya, secara spesifik di major kuliah saya, saya merasa lingkungan saya sangat berubah. drastissssss with many s to emphasize the meaning of the word. hehehehe.
saya bisa akui (dengan sedikit narsis) bahwa lingkungan asal sekolah saya, (dan mungkin asal sekolah kamu juga, my common friend ;p) memang lingkungan yang cukup highly qualified ya. hehe. requirements untuk masuk ke sekolah saya itu lumayan tinggi, peminatnya juga banyak, so there goes the high competition in admission of the school. tentu saja dengan persaingan demikian, only the best can qualify.
hasilnya? hampir setiap kegiatan yang diselenggarakan sangat well-structured. organisasi-organisasi dan ekstra kurikuler yang ada semuanya punya sistem yang jelas. saya cukup akrab dengan kata-kata seperti LPJ, rapat, program kerja, visi misi, dsb dsb dsb yah pokonya yang gitu-gitulah. orang-orangnya juga sama. walaupun ngaret, tendensi ketepatan waktunya masih mendinglah. sengaret-ngaretnya, ga mungkin sejam dua jam gitu.
sementara lingkungan tempat saya belajar sekarang (yap secara sempit, tepatnya di daerah tenggara kampus saya, hehe) sangat, sangat, sangat jauh dari kata-kata itu.
semua kegiatan yang ada di lingkungan saya jauh dari kata struktural. semuanya serba spontan. secara drastis pola pikir dalam lingkungan berkegiatan berganti, yang mulanya 'nanti gimana' jadi 'gimana nanti'. ngerti kan. pola kerja yang ada sekarang gak sistematis. yah wajar sih, orang-orang yang ada di dalamnya aja emang pada dasarnya gak bisa bekerja secara sistemik. tidak nyaman dengan sistem, tidak nyaman dengan struktur. mungkin buat orang-orang yang terbiasa dengan organisasi dengan segala macam pola kerjanya yang sangat tersusun bakalan gak nyaman banget ngeliat situasi ini. kerja memang punya goal, tapi gak ada TOR. suka-suka mau gimana juga, yang penting beres.
sistem kerja terstruktur yang digembleng selama satu tahun pertama ada di sini langsung dilupain begitu masa orientasi beres. karena tipe-tipe orangnya ga bisa menginisiasi forum ataupun berada dalam forum, gimana mau bikin forum kondusif buat ngestrukturin rencana kerja sebelum mulai? buat kami sekarang, goal ada, satu orang turun gawe, yang lain juga pasti ikut kok lama-lama. gitu cara menginisiasi kerja.
saya sempet gak nyaman banget sama sistem kerja kayak gini. tapi, ternyata toh jalan-jalan aja. pastinya lebih serabutan daripada dulu, lebih kacau, lebih aneh. tapi fun. buat kami kerja adalah maen bareng. berkarya bareng. ga perlu sistem, ga perlu struktur. pokonya bareng turun, kita bikin sesuatu bareng-bareng. pada kenyataannya orang-orang yang ikut kerja bareng, niatnya bukan kerja. niatnya cuma pengen maen bareng. kalo ternyata maen barengnya sambil kerja, yaudah ayo kerja.
emang dampak buruknya, makin ke sini saya makin susah menyituasikan diri dalam suatu lingkungan kerja yang sangat terstruktur. bawaannya bosen, suntuk. gak ada unsur 'play'-nya. dalam lingkungan yang terstruktur, terlihat jelas switch antara 'playing-mode' sama 'serius-mode'. hal itu yang gak ada dalam lingkungan saya sekarang.
saya bukan dalam kapasitas untuk menyatakan lingkungan satu lebih baik dari yang lain. yang pengen saya tekankan sebenernya adalah kesulitan saya sekarang untuk tetap bisa menempatkan diri pada kedua lingkungan itu. terlalu kontras. semakin nyaman saya dengan satu sistem kerja, semakin saya tidak bisa menempatkan diri pada sistem kerja lainnya.
problems should be seen as a challenge, so the challenge is... bagaimana saya dapat secara seimbang menempatkan diri pada kedua lingkungan tersebut?
yang pasti adalah tidak menciptakan zona nyaman di satu lingkungan tertentu.
semakin sosial seseorang di suatu lingkungan, semakin antisosial orang tersebut di lingkungan lainnya.
saya adalah calon desainer. wilayah desain adalah elaborasi dari suatu sistem kerja yang terstruktur dan wilayah kreativitas yang bebas dan tanpa batasan.
so i'll have to stand on both lines, i guess.
so everyone agrees that lip-service, despite the temporary relief it creates, actually just makes another problem.
what's really good with hook-ups? trying to comfort yourself by keep believing things that are actually not real? come on, step on the ground.
maybe people would love to hear comforting words, but they don't really need it. so dear everyone, please be mature and try to tell the truth instead of those delicate lies. and on the other party, take what you need to take, not what you want to take.
you know it, lip-service? for these days it's already old-fashioned, dear. not at all anything close to being thoughtful.
moon river - audrey hepburn
moon river - henry mancini
moon river - The APM Orchestra
what i love is how my mind is always idling to this song - it's skipping all the problems, all matters. everything is slow, everything is alright.
delicate, comforting, relaxing, this song is.
beautiful.
i don't believe the famous saying 'there's no such thing as perfection'. i will confidently oppose to this words. there is such thing as perfection, i believe.
i always say it's okay, assuming in mind that it was an act of being mature. anyway that is the always-been most comfortable way of solving a problem. stepping back off and letting it come to a conclusion which is nothing but all right. because i said so. letting things go without leaving worries in other party's concerns, that was always what i have in mind. there goes the, 'it's okay, i am all right, case closed'. smile was always the side-dish, the compromising act that always supported the words.
i was not wrong, anyway. when you keep telling lies, they will slowly become the truth. and truth is, it's okay, i am all right, case closed.
daripada cowo yang jago olahraga, gue sih lebih suka cowo yang pinter main kata-kata, pinter nulis tentang pikirannya gitu
"Tapi coba kau pikirkan baik-baik. Kondisi semua orang sama saja. Sama seperti ketika kita naik pesawat rusak. Tentu saja di situ ada orang yang bernasib baik dan bernasib buruk. Ada yang tangguh, ada juga yang lemah; ada yang kaya, ada pula yang miskin. Hanya saja, tidak ada orang yang memiliki kekuatan yang jauh lebih besar daripada orang lain. Semua orang sama. Orang yang memiliki sesuatu selalu khawatir, jangan-jangan apa yang dia miliki sekarang akan hilang, sedangkan orang yang tidak memiliki apa-apa selalu cemas, jangan-jangan selamanya aku akan tetap menjadi orang yang tidak punya apa-apa. Semua orang sama! Karena itu, manusia yang menyadari hal itu lebih cepat harus berusaha menjadi sedikit lebih tangguh. Sekedar pura-pura pun tidak apa-apa. Betul kan? Dimana pun tidak akan ada manusia yang tangguh. Yang ada hanya manusia yang pura-pura tangguh"
1: (dalam hati) steak kayanya enak nih
2: (dalam hati) steak kayanya enak nih
1: mau makan apa?
2: .....
2: terserah deh
1: .....
1: apa ya enaknya?
2: kamu lagi pengen makan apa?
1: .....
1: aku sih bebas
1: .....
2: .....
1: sebut tempat dong...
2: .....
2: duh gatau ga kepikiran, aku ngikut kamu aja deh
1: aku juga gatau nih
1: makan apa ya... kamu beneran ga lagi pengen sesuatu?
2: ..... gatau, ga kepikiran, gimana kamu aja, apa aja boleh
1: (dalam hati) yaudah cari aman aja deh
1: tempat biasa aja gimana?
1: (dalam hati) duh sebenernya bosen
2: (dalam hati) duh sebenernya bosen
2: .....
2: ya, boleh deh
1: yaudah kita kesitu ya
2: iya
gue nyesel sering underestimate diri gue sendiri.
random talk nih. hari ini gue iseng buka-buka file writings gue. dan di antaranya, ada salah satu essay yang gue bikin buat seleksi salah satu program international conference gitu.
pada akhirnya essay itu cuma berakhir di folder writings gue. tanpa gue berani kirimin. at that time, gue bener-bener ngerasa ga pede dengan essay gue karena gue emang ga terlalu nguasain topiknya (waktu itu essaynya gue bikin dengan bantuan informasi seadanya yang gue dapet dari google plus bacotan sok asik). emang sih gue cukup nyari artikel-artikel berhubungan dan gue udah cukup banyak googling, tapi emang concern gue kurang di situ sebenernya. gue takut kalo akhirnya gue berhasil keseleksi dan harus ngepresentasiin artikel gue, gue bakal keserang abis-abisan karena pengetahuan gue emang ga terlalu banyak di situ.
plus, gue tahu beberapa temen yang juga ikut apply ke seleksi tersebut yang gue anggap jauh, jauh, jauh lebih capable dari gue. and there goes the crisis of confidence. yang akhirnya membuat gue batal apply ke program tersebut.
beberapa bulan setelahnya (which is just now), gue buka lagi essay itu. and gue bener-bener nyesel karena setelah gue baca lagi, essay itu ga jelek-jelek amat. cukup oke malah menurut gue. i was not that bad. and i might have had the chance if only i have had more confidence in myself.
what's so bad in trying, toh kalo gagal juga ga rugi.
sama saja seperti waktu SMA dulu, waktu ibu suka menghukum saya tidak boleh bawa kendaraan kalau saya pulang malam terus. hukumannya sangat tidak menyenangkan, tetapi itu demi kebaikan saya.
dan banyak hal-hal lainnya yang semacam itu. tidak menyenangkan, tetapi baik.
sayangnya, kita manusia, lebih menghargai dan mengapresiasi hal yang menyenangkan daripada hal yang baik.
dini hari di awal bulan oktober, bolehkah saya untuk beberapa jam berharga ini saja menyerah pada pikiran-pikiran emosional yang untuk selamanya akan selalu ditolak mentah-mentah oleh logika saya?
satu dini hari ini saja saya akan fluktuatif, emosional, kekanak-kanakan, saya akan malu habis-habisan dengan diri saya sendiri.
never been notable, never been unforgettable, october is.
never been euphoric, never been tragic, october is.
all i remember about this month is just how it is a little bit colder
and how rain falls a little bit more often than it does in the previous so-likely-always-sunny months.
so that's how it is for me, october.
it is just a change of the weather.
nothing much more to relate to the month.
why won't you leave more things to remember for me, dear october?
leave me something worth remembering this year, would you?
rasanya seperti asma di ruangan lembap.
aku menarik napas, tak mendapat apa yang kumau,
lalu putus asa, namun insting menginginkan hidup
membuatku, terengah dan termegap-megap, tetap menarik napas,
menghirup, sebanyak mungkin dari hidung dan mulutku
kendati tak banyak yang bisa kudapat,
dan setiap tarikan, setiap tarikan napas berikutnya
semakin menyiksa.
mataku buram namun semakin jelas terlihat,
di tengah usaha yang semakin lelah untuk mencari udara,
harapan yang semakin menipis, perlahan hilang.
menyakitkan, pikirku, lebih baik mati saja.
namun nyatanya tak bernapas pun lebih menyakitkan,
sambil menertawakan diri sendiri akan ironi ini aku pun kembali mencoba menarik napas lagi.
redecorating my room :>
so now i have a totally new room just like what i want, spacious room with the bed around the corner. perrrrrfect!
dan hari ini akhirnya 'hadiah' yang selama setengah tahun lebih ini cuma digulung rapi dan ditaro di pojok kamar akhirnya gue tempel di dinding deket kasur loh, and i just realized it is really, really big!! it was my 18 y.o. gift, and it turns out becoming a very nice wall-decoration hahahaha :D dan gue juga akhirnya ngegantung tiga kaos yang jadi hadiah dua tahun lalu (hadiah 17 taun) di dinding juga. sambil gue pasang, gue liat-liat ulang dan tiba-tiba this very happy feeling hits me, i feel that my life is blessed. i am so blessed God, thank you, sorry if i complained much all these times.
dan yang lebih bikin gue seneng, melihat semua barang-barang ini terpajang di dinding kamar gue, it reminds me of old times, it makes me reminisce all the past times..... but in a good way. in a very good way. i miss it in a good way, i don't feel any regret at all but it still remains as one of the greatest part of my life.
which makes me feel confident that i will get over this another thing just the same.
:)
saat kita tidak nyaman dengan suatu sistem, namun keinginan untuk merubah/memperbaiki sistem tersebut terbentur dengan kesadaran atas posisi kita sendiri dalam sistem tersebut. dapat dikatakan bahwa posisi kita dalam sistem tersebut baru sebatas orang-orang di lingkar luar, yang tidak memiliki kapasitas dan kapabilitas untuk membuat keputusan atau merubah keputusan dalam sistem tersebut. bukan karena ingin mengambil sikap apatis, namun memang belum merasa pantas. sebab untuk dapat mengkritik, kita harus mengerti. dan saya rasa, kita memang harus mendalami dulu, harus bergerak ke lingkar dalam dulu sebelum dapat mengkritisi. sebab bisa saja ada pertimbangan-pertimbangan yang terlewatkan, yang tidak terlihat dari posisi saat ini. untuk saat ini, tahan saja segala keberatan yang ada di kepala dan terimalah sistem yang ada. take it or leave it.
if you are a friend of mine and you happen to follow both my twitter and my blog, you'll probably realize that i have this particular style of writing and expressing thoughts. you know, i'm not the straight out and outspoken one - upon expressing my feelings and thoughts toward something, i usually write it down in a summarized-thought style. i rarely write in a narrative as if i was a story-teller. that's not my preference in writing - i just find it more comfortable to write it more like a summary of my thoughts, feelings, or personal opinions. well people often mistake my style of tweeting/blogging as galau. you know, like tweeting/posting something unclear or #nomention hahaha. well, on first thought it may look like that, and in some particular tweets/posts yeah it's really some galau expression haha but i'm not that desperate you see. i'm not the type of person who's constantly in galau state of mind and always keen to share and expose my galauness to everyone. that's just my preference of writing. i do apologize if it seems like i am galau all the time. i am really not. not all those #nomention tweets/posts are galau. i'm sorry if it does look like so.
here's a sneak peek;
a coffee table shared with good friends around a book corner, sights out of the window, a cup of hot cinnamon tea and peanut chocolate toast, and a long, long talk which includes some plans of kind-of-metropop-ish future life, those not-so-likely physical concerns, and some light social issues. make it perfect with your laid-back mind, leaving those worries behind.
that, my friend, is called getting-a-life. and yeah, that's already enough.
there's two possibilities of regrets:
yeah, more post with #nomention style of writing, hahahahaha.
just tried to defragment things, so that those which are no longer important can be abandoned pretty soon.
however, i'd like to review it not with my compulsive feeling, but i'd try to recall it with my good senses and feelings.
so, dear you,
i would like to send my greatest gratitude for your very kind consideration
for whatever it is that may have come in your mind, that may have led you to this very decision
and how you took a very careful step not to break me too much
(though, i should say, you were somehow wrong, but still i'd appreciate your kind intention)
so, dear you,
i would like to state this, just so you know
i may feel bad that things are over, but still i'm equally glad that it happened
there's nothing to regret about
i'll try to recall things as good memories
and it ensures me that you'll be a very good friend if i let you be
i won't blame you, not anyone.
i believe we have come up with the best decision anyway.
thank you, thank you very much,
(and yes, i sincerely mean it)
that's a very kind of you, sir.
i appreciate everything that happened, i expect better things to happen afterwards :)
versi alicia amanda (18), mahasiswi desain interior itb, mamahnya po di kungfu panda.
makan keripik pedes itu kayak deket sama orang, pas dimakan enak, pengen makan terus, tapi pas berenti makan, kerasa banget nyiksanya (pedesnya). walopun tau pas berenti makan bakal kesiksa sama pedesnya keripik, tetep aja makan terus selama masih ada.
is not the fact that it hurts
it's the fact that, it's the person for whom you place a lot of admiration that causes the pain
the hard thing is having to admit
that such a delicacy can harm
that even such a bright and warming light can not conceal the dark shades of shadow behind.
it's that you still want to see that one as the same delicate, admirable one
but the truth that he/she is the cause of your pain is equally undeniable.
that, my friend, is a really inconvenient mind-contradiction.
keep my promise for this month: i won't let things linger on.
i miss this certain person. my best friend who always treats me like his own sister. we haven't talked for a while, but i'm sure i will never feel uncomfortable speaking to him. i miss talking to him, even the most meaningless conversation will do. hey, you know who you are, quit being so arrogant, i've got lots to share with you, bro, and i'm sure you also do.
diberi kesempatan lagi untuk kembali mencoba memasak ketupat lebaran setelah ketupat yang dimasak tadi siang (29/8) gagal total setelah gosong karena yang masak lupa kalo lagi masak ketupat terus dengan enaknya tidur dan gogoleran terus lupa harus matiin kompor sampai ketupatnya gosong dan bikin panik ibu yang baru pulang sore-sore, maaf ibu mari kita coba masak lagi besok ya, kalo besok ketupatnya masih gagal lagi mungkin ada baiknya hari raya diundur lagi sampai hari kamis, yang penting merayakan hari raya dengan ketupat.
/sunday, august 28, 9.59 pm
sometimes, i wish i could be bolder.
kamu mungkin tidak tahu aku sadar
how does it feel like, comforted, sitting in your unknowingness?
been a while
adalah dapet dosen wali paling private, cuma gw sendirian yg diwaliin sama dosen wali gw. memang sangat random dan aneh sepertinya mulai sekarang setiap perwalian judulnya just the two of us sih. hahaha. yang penting keurus deh gw sama dosen wali gw. amin.
conclusion at the end of july: bulan galau will always be bulan galau. same goes this year, it doesn't change. and after a long while, i think i'm gonna see the rooftop again.
true, a very important question it is. but too much popping this question on your head is no good either. so how about leaving this question for later?
i enjoy a lone trip, because i won't have to engage in a conversation with anyone else but myself. i enjoy how observing little things could lead me to a very deep and serious thought. i think i am a little bit complicated, but somehow i like it. traveling my own mind is the most exciting journey :D
"saya bingung, kenapa orang-orang islam di Indonesia lebih bangga dapat menguasai bahasa Inggris daripada bahasa Arab. denger orang Indonesia baca qur'an, gak ada emosinya sama sekali. kalian ga ngerti apa yang kalian baca, ga ngerti doa apa yang lagi kalian panjatkan. kalau semua umat muslim mengerti isi qur'an, islam pasti bisa jadi lebih maju di dunia ini."
or maybe to be exact, touchdown to cyber life! woohooo i'm back guys! well, haven't been totally back actually. my phone's still inactive due to deposit problem (hahahaha), so still can't text or bbm at the moment. miss my friends so freaking much!!!!!
Semoga aku dapat memaknai nikmat kesempatan yang Kau berikan ini sepantasnya.
i'm not sure you will wait, but anyhow if you won't, then you will never. and i would better know it now than some other time when everything has gone much further than this. by the next sunrise i gotta go, farewell hey brant, i hope you'll wait for me to greet you again in another warm day of july. i hope you'll be doing great, with all things that need to be taken care of in this city. i know you will do.
today i had a dream that was almost lucid. i knew that it was a dream, but still i couldn't help feeling so sad about it. i woke up immediately, feeling anxious, my heart beat was racing so fast. it all because of a dream that i knew was not true from the very beginning. still, i felt so bad because of it. i don't want to get another dream like that again.
my holiday target ffufufufu,
hal yang aku pahami sejak dulu dan aku pelajari dalam belasan tahun kehidupanku, adalah bahwa jalur kehidupan setiap manusia sama halnya seperti perjalanan. lurus, berhimpit, membelok, naik, turun, bersimpangan. jalan itu tentu saja tidak sepi dan aku akan sengaja atau tanpa sengaja bertemu dengan orang lain. mungkin pertemuan itu terjadi dalam suatu penantian lampu merah, persimpangan ramai, atau mungkin saat membantu orang yang mesinnya mogok.
belakangan ini, gue sering secara sengaja ataupun gak sengaja mencaritahu hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan ini. mungkin karena di lingkungan gue yang sekarang, gue kenal dengan banyak orang agnostik yang secara cukup terbuka menyatakan kepercayaannya ini, bahkan terbuka untuk mendiskusikannya baik secara langsung ataupun lewat media seperti facebook atau tumblr. lumayan menarik juga dan lumayan bikin mikir sampe rungsing, haha :D
you have no idea how hard i have been trying to be pretty cautious, but it seems like i'll just end up falling clumsily for you.
Tell your mind every day before you go to sleep: “Yaa Ayyatuhan Nafsul Mutma-innah, Irji’ee iLaa Rabbiki Raadhiyatam Mardhiyyah, Fadhkhulee Fee Ibaadee Wadhkhulee Jannatee” (Al-Fajr 89:27-30)
“O soul that is at rest satisfied. Return to your Lord well-pleased (with Him), well-pleasing (Him). So, enter among My servants, and enter into my Paradise”
dear muslim tumblr users, open this link please, i think it's a quite good idea to have posts like those appear in your page every now and then, you agree? :)
just had a verrry exciting artsy-day with my artsy-friends! haha, we actually went straight on 3 art exhibitions. yea, we finished it in a single day.
Five weeks in a prison, I made no friends
There's more time to be done, but I've got a week to spend
I didn't pay much attention first time around
But now you're hard not to notice, right here in my town
Where the stage of my old life meets the cast of the new
Tonights actors: Me and You
Each day is taking us closer
While drawing the curtains to close
This far, or further, I need to know
Your increasingly long embraces
Are they saying sorry or please?
I don't know what's happening, help me
Through the streets, on the corners, there's a scent in the air
I ask you out and I lead you, I know my way around here
There's a bench I remember, and on the way there I find
That the movements you're making, are mirrored in mine
And your hand is held open, intentionally
Or just what I want to see?
Your increasingly long embraces
Are they saying sorry or please?
I don't know what's happening, help me
I don't normally beg for assistance
I rely on my own eyes to see
But right now they make no sense to me
Right now you make no sense to me
1. rutin olahraga
apparently, the story went on so fast that even i find it hard to keep following. for so many things to happen in such short time, i should keep my expectation low. besides, there's still much more to think about, so much consideration. am i happy? of course i am. the problem is just, where does this happiness stand? i'm afraid that i'm building it upon other people's disappointment.
kalo kata brenda, DP 2011 = Dapet Pacar 2011, berarti gue Dapet Inceran 2011! haha!Alhamdulillah, i get into the major of my choice, almost precisely a year after being accepted in the faculty.
de hanif: bun, ngantuuuk
Love is like a bruise;
gatau kenapa selow lah walaupun gak segemilang semester kmrn (emg kmrn gemilang? haha soksokan). buat gw mau bagus mau jelek, itu cuma sekedar angka, yg penting buat gw sih angka itu sebanding sama effort gw. gw gak butuh (cieee sok jual mahal lah gak butuh) dapet angka bagus, toh gw ga akan puas kalo angka bagus itu ga gw dapet dengan effort yang keras juga. gak jadi seneng juga ko, malah heran orang ga pernah usaha ko nilai tibatiba oke. jadi yaaaa.... buat gw, gw sama sekali ga layak misuh atau ngeluh tentang nilai gw skrg karena.... yah, that's what i deserve :D yang penting semoga masuk prodi yang diprioritaskan, amin deh. SEMANGKA, SEMANGAT KAKA! TING!
Saya tidak pernah menganggap kamu teman walau kita saling kenal. Kita mungkin akan canggung dalam percakapan, akan sulit mencari topik yang kita berdua sepikiran. Banyak perilaku kamu yang bertentangan dengan prinsip saya, dan mungkin begitu pula pandangan kamu terhadap saya. Tapi saya punya penghargaan pada kamu, karena dengan cara kamu sendiri kamu telah memengaruhi hidup saya. Dengan cara kamu sendiri, kamu berpengaruh. Mungkin kamu tidak sadar, karena mungkin saya bagi kamu tidak begitu signifikan, alias mudah dilupakan.
saat terus-terusan mempertanyakan kenapa begini, kenapa begitu, dan menyadari begitu banyak yang saya tidak punya. begitu banyak. lalu melihat orang lain dan terus-terusan menempatkan semua orang di atas, jauh jauh jauh di atas.
time really flies, doesn't it? we've arrived to the mid of the year already, it feels like it's just yesterday when we were in the merry of celebrating 2011. looks like it's been tough, all the 6 months - well, the word 'hectic' is gonna suit more i think.
'iya, jadi nanti setelah bagian tepi lapangannya dirapiin, nanti tempat ini bisa jadi tempat main cewe....'-farras pas lagi presentasi konsep lapangan bola.
cuma 2 hari dan 1 malam di cigondewah, tapi saya merasa telah mendapatkan lebih banyak dari 1bulan rutinitas kuliah. Turunlah ke masyarakat, banyak pelajaran berharga. Ikutlah main adu japati bersama bapak-bapak di lapangan sebelah. Ngobrollah dengan anak-anak yang main-main di pinggir jalan. Ajak anak laki-laki main bola lalu cebur-ceburanlah di lumpur. Ajak anak perempuan main ular naga atau anjang-anjangan. Memasaklah dengan ibu-ibu di rumah terdekat. Mengantrilah untuk mandi. Tidurlah ramai-ramai di atas lantai beralas karpet. Cari tahu. Berbaurlah dengan masyarakat. Lalu berkarya bersama.
"Bagaimana DKV itu tercerminkan dalam karya? apakah 2D? apakah warna? warna apakah? The dragon who sees above the light into the darkness beyond will choose the darkness over the light"
pameran karya tpb kemarin akhirnya beres juga, yesterday was the last day.
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.
