senin

i know it's human nature to be curious about things we don't know
but sometimes it's just better to stay not-knowing
you never know what is it that you want to know
or maybe you just want to know, but you don't really need to know
and it won't do any good for you to know
or even it will cause you a heartache to know

so wouldn't it be just better to remain not-knowing?
unknowingness, sometimes, feels so great :)

sometimes i wish we can just pretend
even if only for one weekend.

haha gw udah lama bgt ga ol di komputer niih.
entah knp, gw lg ga minat bgt ngurus berbagai macam akun dimanamana. ya twitter lah, ya fb lah, ya blog lah, gw maleees banget. gw pengennya bacain apdetan org org aja deh, tp mls ngapdet. haha jd tiap ol, gw cm sekedar checking aja, tp gw nya sendiri ga ngapdet apa2 ;p

so, for my dearest abandoned blog, i'm so soooorry love :o

btw, i guess it's been a year since i made this blog ;) gw lupa tanggal berapa pastinya gw publish blog ini, tp yaa kira-kira udh setaunan ya. woow kita langgeng deh ahhahahaaha. happy birthday otaklemah, ilysm!

eh, terus entah kenapa yah, bulan ini gw jd cewek emosian bgt laah hahahaha agak susah ngontrol emosi dan mood dan geleuh aja gt sm diri sendiri, knp suka ambek ambekan gajelas. maaf yaa buat semua yg pernah ngerasa dijutekin ga jelaas.


akhir oktober th lagi rada hectic euy, hehe wish me luck berlomba dgn waktu (naooondeui). grr banyak bgt deh to do list nya.

apa sih ini postingan meracau banget.

hahahahaha.

haa tanggal 11 TO, tgl 15 midsemester.
kemana kemauan gw? (haha ky yg pernah ada aja)

come on tinceu. move on.
aduuh bantuin dng biar jd belajar nh :(

hari ini cerah.
agak panas memang, tapi angin sekali-kali masih menengok basa-basi lalu pergi lagi.

layang-layang senang diajak main hari ini.
penuh semangat ia memijak udara,
memanjat langit,
mencari matahari.
berkali-kali ia gagal, jatuh lagi jatuh lagi.
sampai akhirnya menjelang tengah hari berhasil ia memanjat jauuuuuh tinggi.

puas bebas, dilepasnya pandang ke sekeliling.
samar di tenggara di lihatnya layang-layang lain melayang sendiri.
tampaknya asyik kalau dia kesana menghampiri.

layang-layang ingin ke tenggara.
ingin berkenalan lalu main bersama.
tapi sedihnya layang-layang, ia tidak bisa.
benang yang mengikatnya tidak mungkin membawanya kesana.
lagipula angin pun tengah bertiup ke barat daya.

layang-layang bosan.
buat apa dia jauh tinggi mengelana, tapi dia sendirian?
kemana perginya layang-layang, orang lain yang mengendalikan.
layang-layang cuma bisa ikut saja.
bagaimanapun memang dia cuma mainan.

sedih jadi layang-layang.
cuma bisa menatap rindu ke tenggara
mata layang-layang terus sendu menatap si teman idaman
sampai akhirnya ia ditarik pulang
kembali ke kepitan tangan si empunyanya
yang kini sudah berkeringat dan agak berbau asam


'udahan dulu yah hari ini. besok kita main lagi yaa, layang-layang...'

please understand people.
this is the moment when the selfish me takes the lead.

ego sudah berteriakteriak ingin didengarkan dan ingin diturutkan.
kadang kadang pikiran dia bahkan terlalu konyol sampai saya malu karena saya sebenarnya mendengarkan dia dan ingin menurutkan dia.
tapi semakin lama dia semakin konyol. dan semakin lama malah semakin kuat teriakannya ingin saya dengar. dan semakin lama malah saya semakin ingin mendengarkan dan menurutkan dia.

saya tidak sanggup untuk tidak peduli.
oke. the selfish me is taking the lead.

yaa self-reminder gw pasti ud beeping dgn hebohnya skrg.
i think i've gone way too much.

agak merasa puasa ini bener bener ga meaning bgt euy.
salah siapa?
salah gw sih.
puasa bukannya mikirin ibadah. malah mikirin hari ini mau pergi kemana, mau main dimana. ngabuburit bukannya yg berpahala, laah ini malah yg nyampah bgt. malem malem orglain taraweh, malah asyiik ngegosip sambil buka brg.

haa.
tiap hr yg ada di pikiran cuma: hr ini ada bubar ini. besok ada bubar itu. eh kalo bubar sama itu mending kapaan yah yg pd bisa? aduuh sabtu besok bentrok euy bubar pilih yg mana yaa?
berasa bulan puasa itu buat bubar yaah! haa we're over the line already!

ya Allah maaf yaa. ramadhan skrg bukannya sm keluarga malah banyakan sama temen temen. malah banyakan ngegosip, kelayapan ga puguh kmana mana. ramadhan skrg bukannya ngebanyakin ibadah ini mlh males malesan. cari kegiatan jg kayanya ga manfaat bgt :( :( pdhl ud kls tiga. belajar aja ga puguh, doa seadanya, ibadah ms seadanya yg wajib wajib aja. pdhl butuh bkn cm belajar tp doa jg. dan masih dgn sombongnya berharap mau masuk kuliah yg bagus? geez, i should have put a lot more effort if i want an equal result! sombong bgt sih tinc. bisanya jg apaa, soksokan lupa daratan (haha apalah).

ya Allah maaf.. maaf bgt.. ayo tinc nyalain self-remindernya lg. jgn somboong. back to the track okaaaay. usaha. usaha itu bukan cuma ada di pikiran. tp harus dilakuin. apa gunanya kt udah mantepin tujuan dan goal kalo usahanya nol.

ya Allah kalo sy mulai ga puguh lg ingetin yaah.. tegur lewat keluarga, tegur lewat temen2, tegur lewat orang2 yg sayang sm saya.. yg jelas tolong jangan tegur saya dengan menjatuhkan saya, dengan memberi saya kegagalan di saat saat krusial. tegur sebelum saya jatuh ya Allah.

okee turn on my self-reminder!

haa.

seriously.
i am in a total blank period.
this month has been, should i say, a total futile waste of time.

i've been soo lazy all the day, while i should be doing all my daily activities normally. and i kept on blaming the weather for my laziness - my bad.
there were moments when i feel so temperamental. little things that normally wouldn't have gotten me up to my nerve had lifted my temper up, and again i kept on blaming the weather for my bad temper - my bad.

the days went on soooo slowly because i was soo impatiently waiting for tomorrow to come. i was waiting for holiday. i couldn't bear going to school anymore as i couldn't even catch any lessons during school. i kept on wishing holiday to come real quick! the more i kept on wishing, the slower time went. noo i'm not blaming the weather - i'm blaming the fasting month ;p sooorry.

then i was exaggerating much with some particular problems. i think i took it too serious and i was too all over it. and i even couldn't cope with my own feelings, i let it keep bugging my life. who's the one to blame, in this case? blame my own hormones and unpredictable mood swings.



it was all my bad. it was all my fault. but yet i always try to find other things to put all the blame on. i am such a loser. i can't even say to myself: that's your bad.
when i put all the blame on something else i feel so comfortable. proving myself that i am not wrong - blame this and blame that, don't blame me! oh please, stop tinc. stop trying to lie to yourself. stop building your comfort-zone. change.

i should be changing.
i will.

i won't make this month a total mess. i'm going to fix this. starting from now.
and welcome holiday, by the way. it's a good start to build my mood back ;p

tapi masih mempermasalahkan apa yang kamu gak punya.
atau bahkan mempermasalahkan apa yang kamu punya.
bukannya itu namanya gak bersyukur?


i don't want to be like that. will never.