Archive for May 2010

30.5.10

if

if a man could be two places at one time

i'd be with you
tomorrow and today
besides you all the way
if the world should stop revolving,
spinning slowly down to die
i'd spend the end with you
and when the world was through

then one by one the stars would all go out
then you and i would simply fly away

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hmmmm :/

it's been long time i tried to be tough and hold tears to never fall down.

now i feel like crying. but i simply just can't.
maybe, just maybe, have i been way too strict to myself?
by over-controlling my emotion? by not letting them taking over my control? by getting rid of exaggerating feelings and intentions to do emotional things? by trying not to do mood-ridden things or post an emotional tweets or postings?
i just tried to be a more controlled person. i just tried not to spread negative aura when i'm feeling bad. i just tried not to share bad things with others.
have i been way too strict to myself?
maybe i should give myself more excuses. it's okay to be honest to myself when noone else's around.
but right now i'm feeling so left out and feeling so extremely bad but...... i just can't express my emotions even to myself.
so somewhere inside my mind, is so overcrowded.

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belum pernah liat alter ego saya ya?

pasti belum.

haha.

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DONE. DONE. DONE.

haha. i'm done.

thanks God, it was difficult, but other people say the same thing too, so i think that's not a big problem.
well my performance was 'not safe' for some, hmm most maybe, sections. but the others went quite 'okay'. no outstanding, unfortunately haha.

sekarang, setengah tawakal, seperempat pasrah, seperempat lagi................ pesimis. haha.
dan kayanya ga terlalu mikirin hasilnya nanti gmn deh haha yaudahsih enjoy my life aja gausah harap-harap cemas nunggu pengumuman ah.
mau main piano aja sampe tangan potong haha lebay jg tangan potong.
someone ajarin progresi kord jazz doooong haha pokonya mau main myuseeeeeeeeggggg sampe mampus ah

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29.5.10

pengen main piano.

abis usm belajar lagu baru ah. hmmmm :>

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26.5.10

what i learned

saat saya memisahkan masalah dari emosi yang menyertainya, saya seperti mendapat perspektif baru.

itu bukan masalah.
itu jalan yang diberikan untuk saya, supaya saya bisa belajar. itu kesempatan bagi saya supaya saya bisa maju. itu pengetahuan baru bagi saya supaya hidup saya semakin kaya.
dan saya mendapat perasaan yang aneh namun melegakan:
saya bersyukur diberi masalah ini.
menyenangkan. berjuta-juta kali lebih ringan.
dan saya tahu,
saya punya keinginan menjadi lebih baik, karena ada masalah ini.
maka, terimakasih.

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kadang kamu terlalu polos dan naif dalam melihat sesuatu

ok my tree hits the point.
fucking true, i'm way too naive.

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worse than eating another's leftovers

can't you see yourself? you're the greedy kid who's tempted to eat what i'm chewing. not a leftover. not a thing i just bought.

i'm eating. it looks delicious. the food smells great. you're wondering how does it taste. then there you are, wanting it. wanting what i'm eating.
isn't it disgusting? if you crave for what i'm chewing?
be ashamed of yourself.
i'm not giving it to you. never gonna give it to you. i'm eating. i want what i eat. i want to finish my own food. i'm not sharing with anyone, and you're no exception. i'm not going to share anything to you.
instead, i'll just keep it out of your reach.
and please never think of any chance to grab some of my food while i'm not paying attention.
you. have. no. chance.
at all.
sorry miss W. i'm not sharing, so better stop wandering around me drooling over my food, and go seek other ones.
maybe it would be better if you seek the uneaten food. the available ones. okay.

buzz off my life. haha.

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25.5.10

dulu, setiap hari saya selalu melalui hari yang menyenangkan. bertemu dengan teman-teman, banyak orang, banyak tempat asyik (atau mungkin hanya diam di satu tempat), saling meledek, bercanda, tertawa keras-keras, mengobrol dengan suara nyaring.

semua luar biasa menyenangkan sampai saat saya kembali ke rumah, lalu tiba-tiba rasa sendiri menyerang saya dan itu begitu menyesakkan.
kekosongan yang penuh.
seperti pesta yang mendadak berakhir, rasanya aneh. tidak wajar.
lalu saya lupa bahwa beberapa menit yang lalu saya masih membalas ledekan teman dengan suara nyaring dan tingkah yang mungkin hmmm tidak tahu malu.
dan beberapa menit yang lalu, saya senang.
dan sekarang saya sendirian.
sendirian itu menyenangkan, tapi sendiri tidak. saya sendirian, dan saya sendiri. sepi.
sendiri seperti tidak ada orang yang setia melangkah di sebelah saya secara nyata maupun tidak nyata.
tidak ada orang lain.

lalu selama beberapa selang waktu yang menyenangkan, perasaan itu tidak pernah terasa lagi.
memang tidak banyak teman, tidak banyak kebisingan, tidak banyak saling ledek.
tapi, tidak pernah sendirian.
dan itu menyenangkan.
tidak terlalu banyak momen-momen yang kontras satu sama lain. tidak begitu banyak emosi yang bertolak belakang. tidak begitu banyak kebingungan saat melewati satu fase ke fase yang lain.

tapi sekarang,
muncul lagi.
sen di ri.
sen di ri an.
tidak ada orang lain?

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23.5.10

just took a random personality test

haha but i think it's a quite eligible test.

best thing, i got suggestions for college majors that match my personality. and i had it ranked, and here is my top 10, out of 60 majors :))

1. photography
2. english literature
3. graphic design
4. anthropology
5. english
6. liberal arts
7. art
8. psychology
9. sociology
10. interior design

and i think...................... it matched. a lot. hahaha.
try it guys i enjoy the result pretty well (it rarely happens on personality tests)

P.S. and it also agreed i'm an INFP :))

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welcome good mood i've been missing you

and i super super super need a good mood for the rest of this month

a good constant mood, and stable one.
so in order to obtain it, we need to get rid of all things that may cause my mood to get worse.
so, first goodbye goes to twitter THE BEST MOODBREAKER IN THE WORLD
LOL. especially these days so i'm just gonna leave it.
i don't care about not knowing anything i don't even care that i might be dumbed and i might miss something that i actually really really really have to know.
i don't care. mood comes in first priority.
and second i need to care less about that frequent-weird-fishy-messages sent to me in daily basis.
it's something i am soo not comfortable with, but okay i just need to care less about it.
(well just hope that thing will end soon haha)
but haha first real act to do is leaving twitter for awhile haha
and clean my mind FORGET EVERYTHING

okeee YES I CAN! (bukan jargon daniel)

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it's getting closer

6 days to go.

in fact not getting any cold feet at all.
and i even feel that my heart is more and more prepared for failure.
maybe that's why i'm not as worried as i was, weeks ago.
alhamdulillah i think i've done the best effort, and the feeling of getting better and better each day makes me quite relaxed. i just need to know that my effort has not been a futile. that i actually learned something, and i actually made an improvement :)
i don't know if my current rate will meet what the university needs. but at least, i've taken much advantage from all the learning process i've undergone.
and it's surprisingly enough :)
thank you my dearest God, Allah, for giving me this wonderful feeling of tawakkal. really much thanks. i will do the best i can do, i will pass the goal i've set for myself. as for the rest, i will leave it up to You wholeheartedly.

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18.5.10

dasar pencuri permen

kamu tidak seperti anak kecil lain yang mengelak dari hukuman dengan berbohong tidak makan permen, padahal di giginya masih ada sisa-sisa menyelap. kamu lebih pintar. kamu menjaga gigimu tetap putih sedang langit-langit mulutmu manis akibat terlalu banyak mengunyah permen.

aku tidak bisa membuktikan kamu makan permen. tapi ya, aku cuma mau wanti-wanti kamu saja. kamu bisa bohong dariku, tapi jangan lupa untuk tidak mengaduh saat gigimu sakit karena kebanyakan makan permen.

kalau kamu mengaduh, nanti kan aku tahu.

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17.5.10

maaf ya

boleh aja ngeluhin, misuhin semua masalah.

walopun rada ngeganggu, tapi yaudalahya.
tapi pleaseeeee, pikir berulang-ulang-ulang-ulang kali dulu sebelum ngeluh dan ngeshare ke semua orang tentang ketidaknyamanan kamu dgn hal yang berhubungan dengan keluarga dan/atau orangtua.
keluarga mungkin bukan lingkungan yang paling bikin kamu ngerasa nyaman. dan mungkin beberapa perbedaan pandangan dan cara berpikir kamu dan orangtua kamu (yang kamu anggap terlalu konservatif atau apalah) membuat kalian berdebat yang cukup bikin emosi naik.
tapi please. jangan nge-share itu apalagi dgn melebih-lebihkan.
sebenci-bencinya kamu, sekesel-keselnya kamu sama yang namanya orangtua, mereka tetep orang yang paling harus kamu jaga nama baiknya.
dan ada masalah apapun di keluarga kamu yang bikin kamu ga nyaman, tolong pisan, jaga aib keluarga kamu jangan sampai keluar dari pagar rumah kamu.

jangan sampai bikin oranglain menilai keluarga kamu, menilai orangtua kamu.
ga layak, bener deh.

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5 reasons i still use blogger

  1. when i reactivated it on october 2008, i really intended to just stay with this blog. and really, it's SUPER hard to leave this one.
  2. this blog is my other self. i shared half of my thoughts here, i left parts of my life here. this is me, no exaggeration here.
  3. i like the feeling of being alone. i don't know why, i get it here. i feel alone whenever i open this blog. and please note, that alone doesn't always mean lonely.
  4. i love my time machine here :) old posts that carry out old memories, irreplaceable :))))
  5. and lastly, i love how blogger is not designed like social networking site. i love the fact that only a few people is still using blogger, and that my posts won't appear in someone else's home screen. somehow i always prefer not knowing that other people is reading my blog, i like the feel that my posts are mine, and i write for myself :)

i love you, blogger :*

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pengen punya peliharaan lah

aaaaaaaa bangetbanget lah ini pengennya :O
uang tabungan beliin peliharaan ajadeh :> hihi

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when your head is high at cloud-nine, it's hard to keep your feet on the ground

but if i can keep my feet on the ground, i won't ever fall down. won't ever.

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16.5.10

such great heights

And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

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15.5.10

better to burn out than to fade away

when you fade away nobody will notice you're leaving.

burn out.
i agree with you, mr kurt cobain, you're cool.

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12.5.10

pengen jadi tembok

so i won't look stupid. alone. with me alone haha.

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the reason i might not be coming or appearing

it's because i'm not gonna make a difference

seeing tons of people it doesn't comfort me at all
the more people the more i feel irritated
and i'll be the one who's gonna hide in the corner
who's gonna camouflage myself with the wall
i'll not be seen
and you won't bother to find me
because you, you're different with me
you love it
you love it
i hate it
i hate what you love
and i, no matter how hard i try, will never gonna fit in this.

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11.5.10

the place which i can't walk into

i'm out of the circle and i cannot get in
so i can't fix anything inside the circle
well then i'll try not bother
i do(n't) care

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one-day-late

happy birthday, brother ;)
22, wow you're turning into adult! ha ha. i wish you: better career, better self, better life, all the better and all the best!

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nothing left. my thoughts become my only entertainment.


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9.5.10

i constantly need to be motivated

(don't know how, though.)

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8.5.10

shame. on. you.

i lost my words in disappointment. in anger.

i know it has nothing to do directly with me. but it DOES bother me so much.
if all i heard was true, then shame on you, ma'am.
i do understand any kind of juvenile delinquency, but an unfair play is totally not right. i, and i assume every other people as well, am TOTALLY against it.
you have your ambition. but other people do, too. respect their ambition, please. respect their efforts to get what they want.
well i know you were just trying to get what you want. but, please ma'am, not this way. this is no cool at all. no. cool. at. all.
shame on you, really.

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setengah empat pagi

tak ada kopi ditenggak.

tak ada musik diputar.
tak ada orang yang bisa diajak mengobrol.
tapi, terjaga.

maaf badan minggu ini kacau.
minggu depan aku kasih makan enak, aku kasih tidur nyenyak. janji deh.

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6.5.10

constantly worrying about things


nah, just throw it away ;)

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5.5.10

:'((((((

t-e-n-a-n-g aja sih tinc, kenapa sihhhh??

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh please stop worrying. stop worrying.
God knows. leave it to Him.
just do what you can do.
hmmmmmmmmmm
oke :)

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delapan puluh delapan detik

jalanan agak sedikit ramai hari ini.

malam. baru berhenti hujan. aspal basah memantulkan cahaya merah menyala lampu rem. merah lembut, kuning pias, abu tua. warna yang memanjakan mata.
mobil-mobil dan motor-motor mengisi lajur-lajur jalan. tak jarang malah menyelinap, membuat lajur sendiri. sedikit semrawut. ah, pemandangan biasa.
tahu, semua isi-isi mobil dan motor itu sama-sama buru-buru. ingin cepat sampai ke tujuan masing-masing. ingin tepat waktu. yang terlambat, tidak ingin lebih banyak membuang waktu. buru-buru, semuanya buru-buru.
di perempatan depan ada lampu merah. lengkap dengan penghitung mundur. menyala di warna hijau.
delapan puluh delapan detik lagi.
jalanan sepertinya semakin ricuh. semua berebut ingin kebagian warna hijau. supaya tidak perlu berhenti menunggu si penghitung mundur menghitung waktu merah menyala. supaya tidak perlu membatin dalam hati sementara terjebak harus berhenti.
sebab kalau harus berhenti, bisa-bisa terlambat.
tapi sayang, delapan puluh delapan detik tidak cukup meloloskan semua kendaraan.
kendaraanmu harus berhenti? kendaraanmu kehilangan delapan puluh delapan detik nyala hijau?
jangan membatin.
memang tidak sabar dan tidak nyaman menunggu seratus detik nyala merah, tapi kamu akan dapat giliranmu jalan lagi :)

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2.5.10

halo mei ;)

(+) efforts for the future. this is the crucial moments. a month for (maybe) a lifetime.

(+) focus. i can never be distracted from my goals, yeah never.
(+) time and financial management (y)
(+) patience. NEVER lose to my boredom

may is month of possibilities. that's why it's called 'may'.
winning, losing, getting or not getting what i want, so many possibilities is ahead.
i am preparing for each and every possibilities, but for me there's only one option: winning. it's the only option left for me. and i'm keeping the word in my head

dream the future. chase the future. then win the future.
g'luck to me, and to my other significants as well ;)

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