rasanya seperti asma di ruangan lembap.
aku menarik napas, tak mendapat apa yang kumau,
lalu putus asa, namun insting menginginkan hidup
membuatku, terengah dan termegap-megap, tetap menarik napas,
menghirup, sebanyak mungkin dari hidung dan mulutku
kendati tak banyak yang bisa kudapat,
dan setiap tarikan, setiap tarikan napas berikutnya
semakin menyiksa.
mataku buram namun semakin jelas terlihat,
di tengah usaha yang semakin lelah untuk mencari udara,
harapan yang semakin menipis, perlahan hilang.

menyakitkan, pikirku, lebih baik mati saja.

namun nyatanya tak bernapas pun lebih menyakitkan,
sambil menertawakan diri sendiri akan ironi ini aku pun kembali mencoba menarik napas lagi.

redecorating my room :>
so now i have a totally new room just like what i want, spacious room with the bed around the corner. perrrrrfect!

dan hari ini akhirnya 'hadiah' yang selama setengah tahun lebih ini cuma digulung rapi dan ditaro di pojok kamar akhirnya gue tempel di dinding deket kasur loh, and i just realized it is really, really big!! it was my 18 y.o. gift, and it turns out becoming a very nice wall-decoration hahahaha :D dan gue juga akhirnya ngegantung tiga kaos yang jadi hadiah dua tahun lalu (hadiah 17 taun) di dinding juga. sambil gue pasang, gue liat-liat ulang dan tiba-tiba this very happy feeling hits me, i feel that my life is blessed. i am so blessed God, thank you, sorry if i complained much all these times.

dan yang lebih bikin gue seneng, melihat semua barang-barang ini terpajang di dinding kamar gue, it reminds me of old times, it makes me reminisce all the past times..... but in a good way. in a very good way. i miss it in a good way, i don't feel any regret at all but it still remains as one of the greatest part of my life.

which makes me feel confident that i will get over this another thing just the same.

:)

saat kita tidak nyaman dengan suatu sistem, namun keinginan untuk merubah/memperbaiki sistem tersebut terbentur dengan kesadaran atas posisi kita sendiri dalam sistem tersebut. dapat dikatakan bahwa posisi kita dalam sistem tersebut baru sebatas orang-orang di lingkar luar, yang tidak memiliki kapasitas dan kapabilitas untuk membuat keputusan atau merubah keputusan dalam sistem tersebut. bukan karena ingin mengambil sikap apatis, namun memang belum merasa pantas. sebab untuk dapat mengkritik, kita harus mengerti. dan saya rasa, kita memang harus mendalami dulu, harus bergerak ke lingkar dalam dulu sebelum dapat mengkritisi. sebab bisa saja ada pertimbangan-pertimbangan yang terlewatkan, yang tidak terlihat dari posisi saat ini. untuk saat ini, tahan saja segala keberatan yang ada di kepala dan terimalah sistem yang ada. take it or leave it.

if you are a friend of mine and you happen to follow both my twitter and my blog, you'll probably realize that i have this particular style of writing and expressing thoughts. you know, i'm not the straight out and outspoken one - upon expressing my feelings and thoughts toward something, i usually write it down in a summarized-thought style. i rarely write in a narrative as if i was a story-teller. that's not my preference in writing - i just find it more comfortable to write it more like a summary of my thoughts, feelings, or personal opinions. well people often mistake my style of tweeting/blogging as galau. you know, like tweeting/posting something unclear or #nomention hahaha. well, on first thought it may look like that, and in some particular tweets/posts yeah it's really some galau expression haha but i'm not that desperate you see. i'm not the type of person who's constantly in galau state of mind and always keen to share and expose my galauness to everyone. that's just my preference of writing. i do apologize if it seems like i am galau all the time. i am really not. not all those #nomention tweets/posts are galau. i'm sorry if it does look like so.

here's a sneak peek;
a coffee table shared with good friends around a book corner, sights out of the window, a cup of hot cinnamon tea and peanut chocolate toast, and a long, long talk which includes some plans of kind-of-metropop-ish future life, those not-so-likely physical concerns, and some light social issues. make it perfect with your laid-back mind, leaving those worries behind.

that, my friend, is called getting-a-life. and yeah, that's already enough.

there's two possibilities of regrets:

yeah, more post with #nomention style of writing, hahahahaha.
just tried to defragment things, so that those which are no longer important can be abandoned pretty soon.
however, i'd like to review it not with my compulsive feeling, but i'd try to recall it with my good senses and feelings.

so, dear you,
i would like to send my greatest gratitude for your very kind consideration
for whatever it is that may have come in your mind, that may have led you to this very decision
and how you took a very careful step not to break me too much
(though, i should say, you were somehow wrong, but still i'd appreciate your kind intention)

so, dear you,
i would like to state this, just so you know
i may feel bad that things are over, but still i'm equally glad that it happened
there's nothing to regret about
i'll try to recall things as good memories
and it ensures me that you'll be a very good friend if i let you be

i won't blame you, not anyone.
i believe we have come up with the best decision anyway.

thank you, thank you very much,
(and yes, i sincerely mean it)
that's a very kind of you, sir.
i appreciate everything that happened, i expect better things to happen afterwards :)

versi alicia amanda (18), mahasiswi desain interior itb, mamahnya po di kungfu panda.

makan keripik pedes itu kayak deket sama orang, pas dimakan enak, pengen makan terus, tapi pas berenti makan, kerasa banget nyiksanya (pedesnya). walopun tau pas berenti makan bakal kesiksa sama pedesnya keripik, tetep aja makan terus selama masih ada.

kesel ga lo dengernya? gue sih kesel. ngeselin banget emang quote-nya kayak ftv, tapi jadinya malah terngiang-ngiang tiap makan keripik pedes -____-

is not the fact that it hurts
it's the fact that, it's the person for whom you place a lot of admiration that causes the pain
the hard thing is having to admit
that such a delicacy can harm
that even such a bright and warming light can not conceal the dark shades of shadow behind.

it's that you still want to see that one as the same delicate, admirable one
but the truth that he/she is the cause of your pain is equally undeniable.

that, my friend, is a really inconvenient mind-contradiction.

keep my promise for this month: i won't let things linger on.