i know i don't do intimacy with my mother. or my father.
in fact i didn't celebrate mother's day.
even on my mother's birthday i didn't do anything notable or moving. just a little cheesy surprise in the morning (yeah that's habit of family), and i remember how i sang happy birthday to mom sleepily, with a very lazy voice, hoping this ritual would end soon and i could get back to my bed and continue sleeping.
i know i'm not close with my mother.
i rarely spend time just the two of us.
most of times i have to leave her home alone, blame all the third-grader-routines.
i'm not acting like mommy's little girl.
i know she's been missing times when i were smaller, and i were more dependent to her.
i know.

aku tahu aku tiis, dan cuek, dan terkesan ga perhatian.
aku tahu ibu manapun ga bakal nganggap aku anak yang penuh sayang dan cinta sama orangtua dan keluarga.
tapi bukan itu masalahnya.
kalo aku ga ngomong apa2 bukan berarti aku ga ngerasa apa2.
kalo aku ga ngomong 'sayang' atau 'selamat hari ibu' bukan berarti aku ga sayang atau aku nganggap ibu ga penting.
aku cuma ga bisa ngekspresiin perasaan aku selugas orang lain.
aku cuma ga bisa pake cara yang orang lain pake.

aku ga bisa.
bahkan di sini pun aku ga bakal ngucapin selamat hari ibu.
padahal rasanya udah di ujung jari pengen ngomongin semua hal yang pengen aku omongin ke ibu, tapi ga bisa.
di tulisan ga bisa, ngomong langsung ga bisa, payah ya.

maaf ya bu.




dan buat orang2 lain yg juga penting buat aku, maaf kalo aku ga pernah ngasihtau kalian aku sayang dan butuh kalian.
bukannya aku ga sayang dan ga butuh. tapi aku paling ga bisa ngomongnya, ga bisa ngasitaunya. asa ga bisa we pokonya mah hahahahahaha.
ngerti kan. hehe makasih ya pengertiaaan deh kalian.